Trust

I am, in general, a trusting person because the alternative is hard to live with. I would usually rather believe the best in people and be proved wrong than be continually suspicious. That said, there is pain associated with living this way. Not that I have a choice, really. My temperament isn't such that I can readily close myself off. 

Although I have suffered greatly from the way members of my natural family have treated me, and I cannot  trust them completely, there has been progress. I was thinking about a few weeks back when my sister-in-law T said that she wished our relationship could go back to the way it was last spring. I would like that, very much so. Being nervous and hypervigilant is exhausting, but I think there's a way for me to protect myself by being cautious about how much I give and how much I expect back. The key is to expect little and be surprised.

A and I exchanged a volley of texts this past weekend while we were both up at Tahoe. We checked in with each other, and I told him about a snowball fight I had with two of the kids. I mentioned to him that I owe him about 1,000 snowballs. He agreed. We definitely missed out on kid play together. Then yesterday I texted with T about their weekend, what the kids had fun doing, the cabins we each stayed in, and so on. Then about half an hour later, I had a call on my phone from T. I picked up and said "Hi, T," but it was actually A on T's phone. He wanted to call to chat and tell me that he's excited about coming to visit my family this weekend. This was unexpected, as I felt I had to twist his arm to come. He said that he thinks we'll have great fun. 

I've noticed that whenever I cautiously begin to mention things related to our family relationship, he begins to change the subject and get nervous. I don't know if that's because it's too painful, if he doesn't want to think about it at all, or if his guilt about what happened is a roadblock. I need to ask him, but I would rather do it in person. A year ago, he would gladly call me his sister and tell me he loves me. It's a different game right now. Maybe he regrets jumping in head first when he found out about me. I know it was a lot for him to digest.

I also had a wonderful conversation with C yesterday. She wanted to hear about the procedure to insert the filter, how I am feeling, how the kids are, whether we were able to meet with A at Tahoe. She was very kind and solicitous. She asked more about my aparents and asked me to give her best to my father, who had surgery yesterday. We spoke about how my amom is a redhead with not enough hair on her legs to be worth shaving, whereas C and I have great quantities of dark, thick hair. I told her that it was hard on me as a teen-ager not to have someone around to teach me about plucking and waxing. She laughed and said she wished she could have helped. We spoke about my maternal agrandmother and how she had a half-sister herself, placed for adoption before 1900. And how my grandmother never denied this sister. C thought that was wonderful. She also told me that she hopes A will be in a good mood this weekend; she said it was impressive that he is coming because he doesn't like to make plans with many people. Finally, we talked about how we both like our friendship. The only sour note for me was when she said she had to go because it was getting toward the time when her husband comes home. I understand that he doesn't want me back in the picture, but it makes me sad that it has to be this way. I don't want to make C's life difficult, by any means, but I feel angry that her husband continues to pile shame on her after 41 years of marriage. 

I really didn't see any of this coming a few months ago when I woke up each day and wished I were dead. It is how it should be, but that in itself is scary because it is rare that anything in my life is as it should be. I feel my heart opening up to them because they deserve it, and I feel that my love is being returned. I feel immensely joyful.