Raw

Mistakes. We all make them. We punish ourselves, others punish us. Guilt is a tremendously powerful force.

Being adopted makes me hypervigilant and hypersensitive. I feel guilty about things I have no power over because I feel that it's my job to make people happy. I become anxious when things aren't right. Highly anxious. It is unsettling both emotionally and physically.

I am working to change how I react and better assess what I am responsible for and what I am not. I cannot take on everyone's problems, nor should I. Sometimes people don't communicate with me not because I am a horrible person, but because they have their own shit going on.

We all have our trauma. This isn't to say that we're all stuck in trauma, but trauma changes you. You carry the scars with you. People will lash out, withdraw, and do any number of things when their scars are noticed or touched. I have had friends turn cold when I've "come out" about my adoption, probably because they have plans to adopt and don't want to hear about any negatives, or when I've talked about problems in my marriage and they look at their own marriages and are afraid of the very things I confide.

Sometimes I feel like I take baby steps forward in trusting where I am going, and then a gust of ill will blows me five steps back. Who can I trust? Even when I do everything I can to find my footing, I fall down. Do people understand that their anger is like poison? When they turn it on me, it infects me and I want to return it, with interest?

We all have our stories. I can respect that our stories are sometimes interconnected, and sometimes in conflict. It would be great if we didn't judge one another's stories. I try not to judge others, but I do sometimes. And I know I am judged. As my friend Joy said to me today, "Contempt, sadly, is very satisfying."

On days like today I despair of the constellation and our allies ever working together for adoptee rights. Adoptees are a largely silent minority. We are marginalized when we speak out to say things other than "I am grateful for my adoptive family and that I wasn't aborted or thrown in a dumpster." We need the help of friends, our adoptive parents and our natural families; fighting amongst ourselves gets us nowhere.

While we should be circumspect about what we say and how we say it, we could also have more compassion for others and think when we are triggered before slamming someone else with a two-by-four. Part of activism is teaching. We may not want to repeat our hard-won lessons, over and over. Yes, teaching can be tedious, but that's how the word is spread.

When I first joined the online adoption community two and a half years ago, I didn't know that first/original/natural mothers didn't like the term "birth mother." I didn't know that it wasn't the "triad," but the constellation. I didn't know that there was an annual protest to advocate for adoptees to get their records unsealed. I have learned a lot but there is more to learn.

I will try to be as understanding and supportive of those following me as most people have been to me. I met so many amazing people at the protest last summer. I am glad to be a part of something larger than myself, and it was fabulous to be in a safe environment with people who get it. Yes, it was one hell of a ride to be around so many damaged people, but it was like being home.

I am glad that adoptees have a safe place for expressing themselves, even though many of us have different feelings and issues and backgrounds. Some of us are more comfortable speaking out than others; I have practiced speaking out in that safe zone, and now speak out elsewhere, sometimes. I make mistakes. We all make mistakes.

Let's try to forgive so that we can work together. Because I need something to live for and work for. And this isn't it.