The Dead

I mentioned in an earlier post that I found a community of like-minded adoptees in 2008, who have been my mainstay through the tempests of the past year. I have also come to love many first mothers who have rallied around me through the worst of things with C, and convinced me the rejection has everything to do with C, not me. [Sidebar: I do hate it when people say, "It's not *you,* it's the situation." Well, the situation wouldn't exist if it weren't for me. I do buy that it comes from C being unwilling to tap into her long-vaulted emotions or to think of me differently than a random piece of flesh she left at the hospital 41 years ago.] Special first moms have been loving and generous and open and kind, and their kindness is backed up with actions, even when I say things that some first mothers might find painful.

One of these mothers is Lori. I love her more than I can say. We met on Facebook and exchanged our stories. She was patient and supportive of me, just listening. It turns out that Lori lives about half an hour away from where C grew up, and where most of C's family still lives. Last spring, Lori invited me to visit sometime and go to the towns where my ancestors are buried, with her by my side. This didn't seem like it would happen for a long time, but I was touched and honored by her offer.

I have been on medical leave from my job for a problem that resulted from my splenectomy. This past spring, the pain in my abdomen became excruciating. Tests showed nothing but the clot, and prevailing research says that clots don't hurt. This I don't understand, especially when my clot is almost 2cm long and blocks the main thoroughfare to my liver. But what do I know? I was put on high doses of narcotics, which I don't actually find all that nice because they numb me up and make me sleepy all the time. I saw different pain doctors and my hepatologist, started acupuncture, massage, and reiki. But it still sucked. Finally a smart doctor decided to run a series of genetic clotting tests on me; these tests should have been done when I walked into my first hematologist's office four years ago, with no medical history to speak of and an existing blood disorder. Nope, she didn't. Then I found out last December from A that he also had had a serious venous clot, out of the blue. I told my doctors this, but they still didn't act on it for six months. Not a bright lot. What *really* pissed me off was that C *knew* about A's clot but didn't say a word about it when the CI asked her for medical history. She also didn't tell me about my grandfather's Alzheimer's, or the alcoholism. Nice. Again, I was never a person to her, and certainly not family, so what good could this information do for me? It's infuriating to be such a nonentity to her, but there was nothing I could do about it.

So as it was, in July, I was off work. The annual Adoptee Rights protest is in the summer and coincides with conference of the National Council of State Legislatures. The idea is to get access to lawmakers and describe to them how adoptees are denied passports and treated like second-class citizens because we are not allowed to have copies of our original birth certificates (OBCs). For those of you reading who aren't in adoptoland, an adoptee gets an amended birth certificate after the adoption is finalized. This amended certificate testifies that the adoptee was born to the adoptive parents. The OBC is put into lockdown and no one, except those working in Vital Records, is allowed to access it. There are currently nine states that have allowed adoptees access to OBCs, but the other 41 deny petitions. I want to talk about this in more detail in another post, but I find this practice of secrecy and treating adoptees like potential rabid criminals to be unconstitutional. The usual argument against access is that first parents don't want to be found, but statistics show that a clear majority *do* want to be found. But even that is a red herring. It's a civil right that we're denied, and it makes no sense. Certificates do not equal search or reunion, and first parents were never guaranteed a right to privacy. That's an invention of the adoption industry that was used to entice women to surrender their babies. We have a right to know our original identities! End rant.

The protest this year was held in Louisville, Kentucky, and I decided to go and put my money where my mouth is. I was thrilled to be able meet so many people I already knew online, and to make many new friends, as well. Louisville is a two-hour drive from where C's family comes from. I wrote to Lori and asked her if she could do a reconnaissance mission and find my grandfather's grave before I arrived. She readily agreed, and fortuitously found it immediately upon entering the cemetery. She took a picture and sent it to me on her camera phone. I cried. It hurt to know that the only people in my first family who would accept me are the deceased ones; they can't reject me or send me away. I asked Lori if she'd be willing to take me there, and she graciously accepted.

Early on a very hot Saturday morning, I drove west from Louisville to the southwest corner of Indiana. I listened to Mary Gauthier's brilliant new album about her experiences being adopted, "The Foundling."
Hot tears slid down my cheeks as she sang, "Rock-a-bye, baby/Mama ain't coming back." I enjoyed the gloriously green landscape as the miles ticked down, happy to be in air conditioning since it was 97 degrees outside with God knows what humidity. I grew up in the Midwest, not all that far away from where I was driving; C traveled to the nearest big city, St. Louis, to have me and leave me behind. I arrived in the small town where my grandfather was buried and pulled into the parking lot where Lori was waiting for me. I looked at the sign by the highway, which rather taunted me.

As I parked, Lori stepped out of her car and ran to hug me. I was so happy to have her with me. She told me that she would do whatever I needed. I didn't want to let go of her. I cried. We got into her car, and I tried to compose myself. I asked to stop at the town florist (hoping there was one, because this was a very small town).

We passed a flotilla of churches, truly one on every corner, and found the florist. I walked in and almost started crying again when I realized this was where the flowers for my grandfather's funeral had most certainly come from. And that the woman behind the counter knew my family. I could have started some great gossip, but I figured it wouldn't do me any good. It was tempting, though. The florist asked if I wanted daisies or alstromeria or carnations. "No," I said, "A dozen long-stemmed red roses." She raised her eyebrows and went into the back cooler to get them. Lori stood by me at the counter as I tried to figure out what to write on the card that I planned to leave at the grave. Here's what I ended up with: "Dear Bill, I am sorry that secrets kept me from you for so long. I love you. Your Granddaughter" I am, by the way, the only granddaughter; it's a small family, and in my generation there's only my brother and two younger boy cousins. I paid for the flowers, mentioned that I was leaving them for my grandfather, and we left.

We drove down the street and around the corner to the cemetery, across from the grain elevator. Lori turned into the driveway, and there was the grave. I got out of the car and walked over to the headstone, kneeled, and started to talk to my grandfather. The words came thick and fast, like my tears. I touched his name on the cold stone, tracing every letter. I lay my head against the granite, wetting the surface and trying to soak him up. I was filled with sadness that I came too late, although I can't be sure he would have accepted me. A said once, though, that he felt that if our grandfather had still been alive, he would have put a stop to all the madness.

Lori sat with me, hugged me, and validated what I said and felt. I was with my guardian angel. We left the flowers and tied the note to the flower holder with ribbon. I hoped that someone would read it, but it seemed unlikely that it would last through all the rain to come. I also noticed that my grandfather's was the only grave without flowers. His two brothers and his parents had silk flowers, but there were none for him. It felt like he was waiting for me, although it's ridiculous to think so.

Lori took me to another cemetery where my grandmother's parents are buried, and I visited their graves, as well. It felt good to be with my family, although I am relegated to the margins, along with the dead.

Abyss

Before A left for Aghanistan, he asked me to look after his wife and son. I was the only family he had in California, he said, and he wanted me to be there to help them. I told him that I take my responsibilities seriously, and I did.


I called T at least once a week, and we arranged for me and my younger son, Tobey, to visit her and W in April. T and I had great conversations on the phone about all kinds of things. She told me that she enjoyed having a sister-in-law to talk to; she confided in me what things were difficult with A gone; she made me laugh. We made tentative plans to go to Yosemite together in July. I was excited to think ahead about hosting T and W in my home and showing them around. 


The weekend of our trip to San Diego arrived, and Tobey and I made our way south. T took us to a rodeo, and I reveled in the familiar smell of horses. T told me that A had competed in rodeos back in his teens; I had been an avid horsewoman myself. I was thrilled to discover another point of intersection! T and I found a place in the bleachers with a great view for the kids, and we sat back to enjoy the music, John Wayne voiceovers, and the wonderful riding and roping skills. The two boys were entranced, and it was glorious to watch their eyes light up and grins spread across their little faces.


Several hours later, we took two tired young men home, and I helped T cook a simple dinner. We were having a lovely time chatting, although I am far more effusive than she is, and from time to time I wondered if I were too exuberant and too much of a Yankee. After dinner, we took the boys to run at the park near their home, and soon it was time to put them to bed. I was excited to have time alone with T and hoped that we would have a deeper conversation about what was going on in the family.


We sat back, drank some beer, and T opened up. I learned that C had married A's father less than nine months after I was born. I found that T was very sympathetic to me; she said that as a mother, she could in no way understand how C was able to turn her back on me the way she was doing. She said that she felt the driving forces in keeping C from wanting to know me were A's father and C's mother, my grandmother. T described a pervasive atmosphere of bitterness and dysfunction that saddened me. I wasn't sure what I was to do with the new information I'd gathered; did T want my help? If so, what could I do? If I said nothing, would she think I was abandoning her? If I tried to advocate for her, would I be overstepping my boundaries as an outsider? I was deeply confused and unsettled. Every now and then, T would ask if I wanted to stay up and talk, or if I wanted to go to bed. I wanted to talk more than anything, but I didn't want to abuse her hospitality and keep her up later than she wanted to be. She reiterated what A had said about their being in a difficult position between C and me, and about how they worried about handling W mentioning his cousins. I reassured her that I didn't want to put her into any difficulty, and she shook it off. Before we finally headed to bed, she said a remarkable thing: "This family has to deal with your existence. It can't be a secret any longer." 


The next morning we took the kids to the park, spent a mellow morning playing, ate lunch, and soon it was time for Tobey and me to leave. I felt a shadow of unease; was T less open, eager for us to go? Was I imagining a slight greyness, increased reserve? I took myself to task for doubting my welcome; I am hypersensitive to rejection, but it didn't seem possible that things could turn awry overnight. I knew that T was planning a three-week trip to visit C, but that couldn't be influencing anything. Could it?


The next day, I sent a thank you note to T, along with pictures from the trip. I sent an e-mail to A, with pictures. I heard nothing in response. Odd. The next day was my birthday. It came and went without a word from them. 


I sent T an e-mail to ask about their condo in Mississippi because there had been flooding. I received a one-line e-mail back, saying that she thought it would be best if we didn't take that trip to Yosemite, after all. She didn't return my telephone call wishing her well on the eve of her flight to C's house. 


I continued to received letters from A that were warm and kind. Then one morning, less than two weeks after my visit from T, I received an e-mail from A, from Afghanistan, ending our relationship. I was cut through, breathless, speechless, emotionally dissolved. 

K,

First of all let me thank you for all the packages and support you and your family have given me in this difficult time (deployment). Thank you, also, for spending time with T and W while I have been gone.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, I have had ample time over here to ponder things about this situation. I have enjoyed meeting you and getting to know you; however, I must admit that over time T and I have become wedged into a difficult situation. C has conveyed her feelings and her decision and originally I should have just probably dropped this matter altogether. However, I pursued the truth, and got it, but now I am stuck dealing with that decision and it is slowly eating away at me. My Mother and Father mean the world to me and they always have. To hurt them, hurts me. I feel like I must honor C’s decision and walk away from this before it becomes even more complicated. I will never feel that I can explain this to W and I would not even know how, at this point in time. No one else in our family has been forthcoming either but I am not sure that will ever happen. I take full responsibility for making this mistake and betraying what C asked me to do, simply drop this matter. I understand your desire to know C but I do not know if time will change her mind or not.

I am deeply sorry for all of this and I will carry this burden for all of my life, I am sure. I must take into account others around me though and honor their wishes and look out for them. I cannot go on in deception and I cannot hurt others including you. I wish I could take it all back and we could have grown up together and old together but that was not the plan. Neither of us had any say in this plan either. You have a wonderful family and grew up with wonderful parents and so did I but they are two separate entities.

Again, I am sorry and I hope you will forgive me. I just think that for now (maybe C will come around) it is better that we distance ourselves. This hurts me too, I hope you believe me when I say this.

A

Adoptees often say that they feel disposable. This is why. We never quite matter enough; there is too much baggage; we live in limbo, never quite belonging. 

It took me a week, but I finally gathered myself enough to respond: 

A,

I am heartbroken and angry. I feel that you toyed with me and my family, and that is unfair. What hurts most is that you invited my children into your home, told them you loved them, and now pretend that they're not your family. They are struggling to comprehend how people can claim to love them one minute and toss them aside the next. It's a hard, bitter lesson. I will not lie to them about who you are. They know you're out there. When they're adults, they might approach you. I hope you will be kind.

I don't regret meeting you, and I am glad that I was able to learn more about my family of origin. Mostly good things. I remain proud of everything you have achieved.

As for forgiving you, I don't know that it's possible.

I will always love you. No matter how you try to change the facts or ignore me, I am your sister.

K

Although the pain is less acute five months on, it's still strong and overwhelming. It's something that I think others who haven't been through it can't really understand. It was like losing half of myself due to a horrible, horrible misunderstanding, and never being able to defend myself. 

Shortly after this debacle I saw a truly unhelpful therapist who told me that A's rejection was just like a one-night stand, that I was putting more stock in it than need be, and I should look ahead and move on. Can you imagine? Equating my brother with a one-nighter? She really didn't get it, unprofessionally so. I hate having my thoughts and feelings invalidated, but her lack of empathy went beyond the pale. Then again, why should she understand? Society's implicit messages are that adoptees aren't supposed to dig this deep, ask the difficult questions, or love anyone other than their afamilies. Oh, yeah. I forgot. Be grateful for what you have. Two parents. A roof over your head. You're lucky you weren't aborted, so shut your yap and quit complaining!

Healing and coping is a process, I tell myself. A very long process. There's supposedly a light at the end of the tunnel, but I am too wary to hope for one. Yet.

Reunion, Part II

Several weeks went by before I dared contact my brother. I wanted to give him space, but my nerves were frayed by the stress of waiting. I knew that this was all new to him, but I'd been living uneasily with it for my whole life. 


I sent off a tentative e-mail to T and received this in response:


Hi K,

We did discuss the situation with C while we were visiting. She told us she gave you up for adoption, there was more to the story than the documents you sent me revealed as far as things being consensual. At this time she does not want any contact with you and would appreciate you respecting her decision. As far as A is concerned, he is still trying to decide what to do. He doesn't want to upset his mother and he has some other stressful things going on right now. I'm sure he will contact you when he is ready and let you know how he feels about the situation. A's father is not aware of any of this and C and A would like to keep it that way for now, I hope you understand. If you have other questions, please email me and I will help as much as I can, but I don't want to ruin my relationship with them either.

T


I wrote a respectful reply, but then felt increasing frustration and anger that my story and identity were being judged and held hostage. How was it that T now knew more about my birth than I did, myself? I sent another appeal:


Dear T,

I have been thinking for a few days about what is most important for me to know. Frankly, I don't think I could enumerate everything in an e-mail or in a telephone conversation. I want to know things about gestures I have, see pictures of C and her family, and hear about the personalities and histories of different members of my family.

I realize that neither A nor C feels able or comfortable providing this information to me, but I do feel that you and I have made a connection and you, better than anyone, can empathize with my difficult position. Likewise, I understand how much you want to support them, and I would not want to jeopardize your relationship with them.

Here is a proposal: if I visit my parents' home in the San Diego area one weekend early in December, would you be willing to meet with me over coffee, just for an hour or two? You could choose a location comfortable for you, and if you want to include A and/or C, that's fine. Or if you want to keep it between us, that is fine, too. I know that this puts you in an extremely awkward position, but there is truly no one else I can ask. I sincerely doubt that J [my grandmother] or B [my uncle] would be open to speaking to me, nor would C want me to contact them. I just can't see myself waiting another 40 years to learn things about myself that nonadopted people know as a matter of course; what A and C prefer is of course in my mind, but I will not sacrifice myself and my desire to know the truth in order to protect them.

To be honest, I cried for several hours after learning that you know more about the infant I was than I know myself. I am a person with feelings, not a clean slate without a past or natural family. This is a painful fact for everyone involved, including myself. I understand that it would be easier on A and C for me just to walk away, but I can't.

Once again, I understand that this is an extremely volatile situation, and that you are in a tenuous position. But I am imploring you, as you have been nothing but kind and respectful of how difficult this is for me. I hope that you won't immediately say no. Please take some time to consider this and the immense difference it would make in filling a dark hole I've been living with every day for 40 years. It's just not a hole I can fill by myself. Believe me, I've tried.

Best regards,
K


A few hours later, I received an e-mail from A:


K,

Sorry it has taken so long to return your e-mail and phone call. I have had a couple of very busy weeks at work and have not had much free time.

We had a nice trip and visit, thank you for asking. After approaching my mother she acknowledged your birth but I do not think she is ready for contact with you at this time. However, I am not against such contact and hope you and your family are well.

I will try and call this weekend sometime.

Thanks.
A

When he did call that weekend, he explained that he was being deployed to Afghanistan in February as physician to a battallion of Marines. A was clearly under incredible stress. He did, however, tell me that he very much wanted to meet me before his deployment. We made plans for me to visit him at his home in San Diego. After C's cold response, I was pleasantly surprised that he was treating me like someone who mattered deeply to him, and had made the point of inviting me to come as soon as possible. I tried to hold back my feelings and stop myself from caring too much, too soon, but it was a difficult battle. A seemed so much like me in the way he respected and treated me. I have rarely met anyone so warm and forthcoming. 

On the appointed day in December, I drove to A's house. I was sweaty and shaking, fearful that he wouldn't like me and that this would be my one and only chance ever to learn anything about my first family. When I arrived, he was outside barbecuing while talking on the phone. I heard him say, "Gotta go, Mom, Kara's here." I felt a chill, knowing that C was on the line. He hung up, then walked up to me, hugged me, and called me "Sister." It was one of the most profound and affirming moments of my life; he smelled and felt so familiar, and it was magical to be in the arms of my flesh and blood. 

Inside the house A showed me pictures of my family: it was strange for the first time to see myself in the people in photographs on the walls. I said to A, "I think I look a lot like our grandfather," and he agreed heartily: "Heck yes, you do!" I noticed that in many photographs C would stand with her weight on her left leg and her right leg sticking out at an angle, like Degas' statues of the little dancer. I do exactly the same thing, and my amom and others have tripped over my right leg for years. I thought it was a singular quirk of mine, but it turns out to be yet another way in which I am part of C. 

A and I drank (a lot), ate a wonderful dinner, and talked for hours. I discovered that my brother and I share so much in terms of our personalities and interest. I told him about the process of searching, my disappointments and successes in life, and how much his acceptance meant to me. He was empathetic and said that while he couldn't imagine what it felt like for me, he thought it must have been incredibly hard. I wept. He held me. I felt comfortable and relaxed with him in a way I've rarely felt with anyone else. We decided not to waste any more time without each other; there were 35 years gone, but the future together lay ahead. 

I cried when I later found out that he was initially equally nervous and worried that I wouldn't like him. It never occurred to me that he might be afraid that I'd reject him. 

The next morning he asked if my aparents would be willing to drive my elder son over, so that he could meet his nephew. They agreed. It was a little bit awkward having them together with A, but I was glad for them to meet. Callum, my son, played with A's son, W. They had a blast running and chasing and riding bikes. A and I talked about how much fun it would be to go camping all together. A hosted a football-watching party that morning, and one of his residents  (A's an attending at the Naval Hospital) was over with his girlfriend. While chatting, I asked how the resident had met A. The guest told me, and then asked me the same. I sighed, smiled, and said, "That's an interesting question." I didn't want to put A in an uncomfortable spot, so I deferred to his lead. A said, "Well, you know, this is my sister. I just met her yesterday." The story came out, A was beaming, and I couldn't have been more proud. He acknowledged me; it was clear that he thought of me as family. 

Our relationship blossomed over the next months, through his being deployed to Afghanistan. He called me twice in the week before he left, saying that one goodbye phone call wasn't enough. He said he loved me. He explained how our relationship put him in a difficult position with our mother, and he didn't know how he would explain me and my family to people when W talked about his cousins. He reassured me, however, that it was his problem, not mine, and that he was in this for the long haul. He told me how much he wished he'd had me around in childhood to protect him from bullies because he was a nerd. It warmed me deeply to feel needed and wanted. 

After he left for Camp Leatherneck, I wrote letters, sent packages, and anticipated and loved getting letters from him. He didn't let me down. I archived every scrap of paper he sent me. I learned that if he died, he had told his wife that he wanted me at his funeral. I cried to feel important to him in a way I hadn't had the courage to hope for. 

Reunion, Part I

The day after I sent the message to my brother, A, on Facebook, I received an e-mail from his wife. 

Hi K,

You have sent a few emails to my husband A about possibly being his half-sister.  We have both spoken to C [my fmom] about this and she denies having another child.  Maybe she just doesn’t want to admit it or she is not your birth mother.  Either way, I would like to know a little more about you.  How did you find out about A?  Do you have a picture of yourself you could share with us?  I know you saw our family photo on facebook, does A look anything like you (he looks a lot like his father)?  A is really bothered by this whole thing and is not sure what to believe so I am trying to find some more information for him.  Thanks and I hope to hear from you soon.

T

Here are our subsequent exchanges:

Dear T,

First of all, many, many thanks for being willing to talk with me. I understand that this is all very strange to you and A, and must seem that it comes out of the blue. I deeply regret causing A and C any discomfort, but this is something terribly important to me. I have been been searching for my family for 12 years, and my adoptive parents are aware and supportive of my search.

I was adopted in Missouri through an agency. If an adoptee searches through formal channels in Missouri, a confidential intermediary system is used. I went through this system; the intermediary twice approached C: once in 2000 and once in 2008. Both times, she was willing to provide limited medical information but nothing else. I did find out that I had a brother, five years younger than I am. This summer with the help of other searchers, I was able to find a match between my information, which included my name "Baby Girl Newman," and the family of W.N. Newman. I am attaching copies of my non-identifying information for you to read; they include a sketch of a family tree because of the spherocytosis. As I mentioned in my first e-mail to A, I have hereditary spherocytosis, which is an added layer of concern (my elder son has it, too) but also of identification. I found out about A from W.N. Newman's obituary, which mentioned C.

I would say that I resemble A in some ways, although this clearly subjective. I am attaching pictures of me and my family so that you can make your own judgments. We have two young boys and very few pics of us as a family, I'm afraid. I've made my profile on Facebook public so you will have access to those pictures, too. I also found some photographs of W.N. Newman, taken in 1954, online at ancestry.com, and I think I look like him, as well.

I would guess that C is still suffering from the aftereffects of having a baby out of wedlock, which must have been incredibly traumatic. It is easier to forget and deny than live with some truths. I have a friend, another adoptee, also born in 1969, whose birthmother took three years to come to terms with my friend's request for contact. C may never agree to meet me, and I must accept this as a possible outcome. But I am hopeful that she will change her mind and that there are other relatives of mine who might be more open to knowing me. I would love to have contact with A, if and when he is able. Please do not hesitate to ask me for anything, more information, whatever is desired. I would of course agree to a DNA test, if that is something A wants.

Once again, T, I cannot thank you enough for taking the time to contact me. It means the world to me that you are willing to go out on a limb and talk to a stranger. I know this must be very difficult for you, as well.

I am available to talk by e-mail or phone, as you desire. 

With great respect,

K

Hi K,

I shared this information with A last night and he is struggling with what to do next. There are a few details listed in the report you sent that do not exactly match the family history as we know it. I think the best thing to do is give him some time to absorb all that he has learned and decide how to proceed. I do believe he will contact you at some point because he has a hard time letting things go unresolved. I also find myself in a difficult position Because I do not want to cause ripples in our family, but you seem like an honest person just trying to find answers so I will do what I can to help. If he decides not to contact you, I will let you know. 

Sincerely,

T

A few weeks later, It was a typical, chaotic Sunday evening in my home. My two sons were distracted from dinner by a thousand things, the dog was pacing around the table hoping for handouts, and I was anticipating the nearing hour of bedtime with unconcealed joy. The phone rang. I jumped up, saw an unfamiliar number, felt my heart catch, and whispered, "Hello?"

The honeyed Southern drawl at the other end said "Hello" back. Then, "Is this K? Have I caught you at a bad time?" I knew immediately it was my brother, and my mind began to spin. I signaled to my husband to take over the circus at the table, reassured my brother that it wasn't a bad time, and escaped to a quiet corner. I was hoping that this call signaled his willingness to get to know me. 

We stumbled through niceties and coincidences. He is a physician, I am a nurse; we both have additional advanced degrees; we both are supernerds. It turned out that one of my closest friends from St. Louis was the sister of one of A's college friends in Mississippi. A told me that he thought that the dark, complicated story involving my birth would make a good novel. I felt frightened and hopeful and ecstatic, all at once. I couldn't be sure this was real. I wanted to know everything about him, and ask every question possible, in five minutes. My voice quavered and revealed my nervousness. I admired A for the courage it took to reach out to this sister-stranger, and for his apparent calm. 

My brother brought the conversation back to the reason for his call: "I have to talk to my mom about this. I have to make sense of it. I want to talk to her in person. I am going to be visiting her in a few weeks. I'll let you know what I think after I get back." We said goodbye.

I was more excited than I think I've ever been, but it was back to waiting. Waiting. Waiting. It could be weeks. The answer might be no. I was too afraid to think of it. 

Searching, Part II

In 2008 my hereditary blood condition, hereditary spherocytosis (HS), caused my spleen to enlarge, my hemoglobin to plummet, and I had to have a splenectomy. Shortly after surgery I ended up with a huge clot in the portal vein in my liver. My whole GI shut down, I couldn't eat or drink, and I was in agony. I spent much of the next month in the hospital feeling like an alien with two IV sites, tubing everywhere, four pumps, and a central line into the major blood vessel leading into my heart to feed me. I was wracked by pain, both emotional and physical. One day I Googled "adoption rejection" and discovered a richness of witty, insightful blogs, written by adoptees. I was excited and enthralled, reading and laughing and crying. Amazed to see things I'd always thought coming out of someone else's brain. I commented and reached out, relieved to find a community of like-minded people at last.

Adoptees are a stubborn lot, and I made new friends who are also search angels. Adoptees rarely take "no" for an answer from anyone, let alone a CI, and the angels were helping me search outside of the CI system. I had new hope, and I truly believed that the CI might have been responsible for my first mother's negative reaction. I couldn't be sure of what she'd said to her, or if my first mother even knew anything about me. I couldn't give up. On and off the angels and I searched, using the parameters of my known last name, my grandfather's recent death, and the geographical region. The angels asked if I was sure of the "Neuman" spelling. "Of course," I naively replied. Who would falsify a name on a legal document? Oh yes, my first mother. Yes, she did.

In the summer of 2009, Kinsolving Investigations found my first family in five days; they discovered and reported that I was really a "Newman." I trembled to have my first mother's name, address, and phone number. To know I had a brother. To read about my grandfather's colorful life in his obituary. I finally felt like a human being instead of a mythical creature. 

Subsequent attempts to contact my first mother, by another first mother and then by myself, proved fruitless. My fmom met me with silence, and the first mother with a calm, "No, I don't think I'll ever be interested." Repeated over and over. I felt empty and demoralized. I still didn't count. I was invisible. I decided to e-mail my brother. Silence. A few weeks later, I found him on Facebook, and screamed out loud. He looked so much like me! I wanted to touch the screen and connect with him. I sent him another message, introducing myself and hoping that he'd be open to talking to me. Then I waited. 

Searching, Part I

Searching for me was a process. Getting to the point of deciding to do something took a long time. Having courage and money and support was part of it. I had to be in a place where I knew I wouldn't be shattered if the response was negative. That said, I really wanted to know who I was before I was the me that all my friends and family know. It sounds very complicated, and in some ways it is. I was worried also about hurting my aparents, whom I love with all my heart. I felt disloyal to them by opening up this can of worms. But it was my can of worms, and there was no escaping its presence in the front of my mind. 

I remember finding my Pre-Adoptive Agreement in my aparents' file cabinet, in a manila folder labeled "Adoption," when I was 12. The agreement named me as "Baby Girl Neuman." I had a last name! At least I assumed it was my last name; who would make up "Neuman"? More on that later.  I rolled the name around my brain and imagined being a "Neuman." It gave me something concrete, although it was only a fragment of what I wanted to know. 

Although I always wanted to search, I had neither the time, inclination, or outward push to make it happen until I was in my mid-twenties. For a number of years in the 1990's, I lived in Berkeley, where I was working on a Ph.D. in art history at Cal. One of my housemates was a woman my age who had also been adopted. She was interested in what it meant to be adopted and invited me to go to an adoptee support group with her. We talked about what it meant to be adopted, and I read some foundational books in adoption psychology that began to help me normalize my emotional experiences. I was envious of those who had found their families and seemed to be more at peace with themselves. 

The members of PACER, the support group, encouraged me to write off for my non-identifying information, which I did in 1997 after having to ask my adoptive parents notarize a permission slip to verify that they approved of my desire to search. It was infantilizing to have my wishes and opinions count for nothing. A "no" from my parents would have barred the path forward, but I was relieved when they readily agreed. I paid $75, and two weeks later received six sheets of paper that summarized who I was before my parents brought me home, before I became the person attached to my aparents and my family. When I began my first reinvention of self at the ripe old age of 10 weeks. I read the physical descriptions of my first mother, first father, my first mother's parents, and the circumstances of my birth, over and over. I began to give myself permission to imagine who these ghostly people were. I wondered if they ever thought about me. 

I was adopted in a state that in extremely restrictive in terms of adoption laws. Missouri mandates the use of confidential intermediaries (CIs) to make contact. I didn't have the money to pay for this service until several years later, when I was married and more financially stable. I called the court, filled out forms, and waited for the agency to contact me. I wrote a $350 check to the CI, and gave her a letter I wanted her to read to my first parents. Then I waited for what seemed like five interminable months. At last she called me. 

"I don't have good news, I am afraid," the CI said. "Your birthmother would barely speak to me, and just kept repeating, 'I knew this day would come,' and 'I don't want to know.'" I felt all the blood drain from my face. I cried. The CI encouraged me to let move on. "I could try calling her again, but I doubt she'd change her answer. You can try again in three years." "Okay," I answered. I am ever the compliant adoptee. 

Three years went by. Then another five. I had two children. I was sick. Part of my being sick had to do with a hereditary blood disorder that I knew I'd inherited from my first mom, so I screwed up the courage to get back on the searching carousel. I called the court again, filled out the papers, sent off my check for $450. I wrote a new letter for the CI to read to my first parents, and enclosed a detailed medical history questionnaire. Then the painful wait began anew. I called the CI after two months. After four months. 

Five months later, I received an unbelievably cruel letter from the CI, which ended on this lovely note: "It seems like your birth mother has gone to great lengths to make sure she wouldn't be found or contacted again, and I feel it's time to give up all attempts at finding her. I have $81 in out-of-pocket expenses. Please send a check to…" This was unacceptable. I flew into a rage. She had found her eight years ago! What could have happened? And blaming me? Unconscionable! I called the CI, was uncharacteristically irate and let her have it with both barrels, and then asked her to read through my file again and tell me everything she could, IMMEDIATELY. She did, and then sent me a new summary of non-identifying information. And you know what? She called back to tell me that she'd misspelled my first mother's last name and had found her, after all. I swear up and down, without any proof, that the CI is a first mother herself. She was far too protective of my fmom and rude about what I was doing legally. I am sure there's a conflict of interest in there somewhere. Either that, or she is the most pathetically unprofessional woman EVER. Maybe both.

The overall result of the second phone call was the same; my first mother desired no contact, although I got a little bit more medical history and found out that I had possible siblings and my grandfather had died. I sighed. I felt so alone and so unwanted by people whom I desperately wanted to love me back--or at least acknowledge that I exist. I felt powerless and isolated. Civilians (the nonadopted) didn't know what to say or how to help me. I folded in on myself and tried to put one foot in front of the other. To convince myself I was okay not knowing, which wasn't true. I couldn't lie to myself anymore. 

Dialogue

Discussions are difficult in adoptoland. It's very easy to hurt people's feelings without even knowing that you're doing it, and certainly without intending to. When I first found my way to adoptee and first mother forums, I wasn't aware that "birthmother" was painful for some first mothers to hear. I witnessed debates between first mothers and adoptive mothers over the use of the term "natural." Some of these things are based in respect, and some are personal preferences.

Dialogue is important, but it's hard to sustain in such a loaded environment. People usually are dealing with very deep wounds. Adoptive parents don't want to hear how their children want to meet their first families. First mothers sometimes don't want to hear that adoptees love their aparents. Some first mothers don't want to hear that their surrendered children are potentially angry or sad about being adopted. Adoptees who are fine with being adopted become impatient with those who are struggling with loss, and vice versa. Once the walls go up, meaningful exchanges are done.

I've had my feelings hurt more than little over my many years. I find that when I am hurt I abstain from saying much, especially when I know that further discussion is going to end up in headlong collision between the other person and myself.

For example, I have a classmate from college whom I admire very much. She is intelligent and loving. I've known her a long time. She adopted a daughter some years back, and we were recently talking about what's been going on in my strained relationship with my first family. I began the conversation, rather excitedly, by saying, "I finally got to talk to my mom!" [She knew it was my fmom.] Her reply, "Do you really call her your mom?" Uh, yeah. Why not? She's one of my mothers. I get sick of using prefixes (amom, nmom/fmom) when talking about people, especially when it's clear whom I'm talking about. But her nervous answer, speaking to her own position as an amom, signaled to me that I had to back off from where I was going. At another point in the conversation, I was talking about my brother and how much I hope we can reestablish our relationship. Again, she said, "Do you really consider him your brother?" [For those of you who don't know, I was raised an only child but have a half-brother on my mom's side.] Yep. I don't know if she knows that she hurt me. She probably doesn't. I think I hit on a sore spot of hers, and she triggered my adoptee shut-down response. Take care of others at my own expense. Habits die hard.

In another case, I was following the blog of a young woman who is pregnant and planning to place. She asked for input from adult adoptees, who overwhelmingly encouraged her to parent her child. She didn't like this answer, and grew defensive. Snarkiness and anger ensued on both sides. She shut us down, and only wants to engage with people who reassure her that adoption, while difficult, is the inevitable path for her to follow. I find this sad. Again, it's a defense mechanism, but it does a disservice to all involved.

Adoption usually is the end result of an unhappy story for many different people. Adoption doesn't magically make everything okay for everyone involved. If it did, I would have been able to spend a hell of a lot less money on therapy in the past 30 years and my fmom wouldn't have had to lie to my brother about me or go on anti-anxiety medicine.

Just putting this out there: when adoptions discussions go south, it seems to me that adoptees are the ones who are punished the most. We were acted upon as infants by the adults in the equation. We were treated as problems to be solved and gagged, or conversely as "gifts." What we need and want is the last thing in many people's minds. It sucks to be silenced and invisible when when we open our mouths to say anything vaguely critical. What can we do to change this? Be persistent?

Conditional

I am not a fan of conditional things. If I am in, I am in. If not, well, then--I don't play around. I don't believe in playing with people as though they're toys.

Conditional love is like a tease. "I love you, but not enough to tell everyone about you." The person on the receiving end--at least in my case--feels sad, unworthy, filled with self-doubt. Of course, the conditions speak more to the person laying them down than to the recipient, but they are insidious. They permeate and ooze through the souls of both parties, darkening it and demeaning them.

I don't understand first parents who are in "open" adoptions but keep their placed child a secret. The adoptee bears the brunt of what's hidden or denied. Secrets are to protect the parents, not the children, just as in the closed adoption I grew up in. I have been reading so many stories of adoption secret-keeping and first parent denial recently that I feel an overwhelming sense of sadness. It so very seldom is about the adoptee.

Unconditional love grounds you. It helps you see yourself and love yourself. Conditional love is poisonous and damaging.

I accepted conditional love for far too long in my life. I didn't think I ever was worthy of the real thing. I had an ex who once told me, "I love you, but I don't love you enough." At least he was honest.

I am wondering if and when my brother decides he can have a relationship with me, whether it will come with conditions. He did, after all, tell me that he doesn't have a clue how to tell my nephew who I am. Really? How about trying the truth? And if he won't, can I accept conditional love?

I did feel unconditional love yesterday from my amom. We were sitting in a hospital cafeteria, waiting for another of the interminable tests I'm undergoing to try to deal with fallout from surgery I had two years ago. Surgery for a condition I inherited from my fmom. Had my fmom told the confidential intermediary two years ago that we have a family medical history of abnormal blood clotting, I might not be in chronic pain right now. Then again, she doesn't consider me her daughter or her family, so that she felt that information was of no consequence to me. Anyway, my amom was talking about wanting to write a letter to my fmom, telling her that in hurting me, she hurts everyone who loves me. That as my mother she can't stand idly by while my fmom keeps secrets to protect herself and sacrifices my health. My amom is willing to stand up for me, as it should be.

Why can't other moms--fmoms and amoms--do the same? Love their children unconditionally, tell the truth? Words mean nothing unless they are backed up by actions. Many adoptees are great at smelling bullshit from miles away. That's how we cope and survive, even as kids--because we are our own best support. And then sometimes you have to lie to yourself just to get any love at all.

It shouldn't have taken me 40 years to discover that I am worthy of unconditional love. It really shouldn't.

Phoenix

I have not been as assiduous about blogging as I had thought I would be. Somehow putting all my feelings about reunion and rejection and my illness out there made things seem worse. As if writing it made me face it.

That said, it's time. I couldn't decide whether to keep this blog or start a new one. I am not so sold on being marginal, although it would appear it's a position I seem destined to inhabit. I seem to have the unenviable role of arguing things from the position of the underdog (or is that adoptee?).

So stick here it is. I choose to look at myself as rising from the ashes, even if I am living on the margins. As I said in my very first post here so long ago, the margins can be very colorful, vibrant, interesting places of intersections. It's no crime, and the company is generally very good.

I have also been reading blogs of increasing numbers of people related to the adoption community, very smart blogs. I don't know that I aspire to the heights of some of my adoptee friends as yet, but I would consider myself fortunate to enter their ranks. It is time for me to speak out, tell my story, and advocate for adoptees. If we don't do it, God knows no one will do it for us.

An fmom also challenged me to put my money where my mouth is and comment on her blog as a real person. Fine. I take your challenge and raise you. Tell the truth to your son. He deserves to know his brother as his brother.

Change

My beloved lurcher has now died. Sigh. Cancer. One does not think in adopting a puppy that cancer is in the cards, but there you have it.

My dear husband has agreed to consider adopting Percy's littermate. We will visit him at the adoption center this weekend and see if he's a fit for our family. Best quote from my husband, "Well, even if Finn has cancer, like Percy, he still needs a home." That's a good man.

I am excited to be visiting my sister-in-law and nephew this coming weekend. I am loving reunion with my brother and his immediate family. I am sad, though, that my firstmother still suffers so much from what happened. I don't hold out much hope that she'll come around, but one never knows.

I am also thrilled to have wonderful support from my adoptee community and from my aparents and afamily. I feel that I've grown so much in the past two years that I'd be almost unrecognizable to my 38-year-old self. Which is good.

Long Hiatus

I have let my blog lie fallow for two and a half years, and so much has happened. Too much to discuss in detail now, but enough to strike me that it's time to revive my narrative.

I am no longer thirtysomething, and the fog that was in my head really was a "fog" known to insiders as the adoption fog, from which I have emerged (am emerging), albeit painfully. I have met a brilliant, kind half-brother I didn't even know I had; my Prozac-laden dog died; I now have a glorious lurcher (half Greyhound-half Deerhound) named Percy to add zip to my life. I am an RN in Labor and Delivery, and got a second Bachelor's degree. Most of these things would have shocked the me in 2007, when I last wrote. Just as I sit here now and can hardly believe that the son who could barely talk at 3 years old is now a chatterbox brainiac in Kindergarten, and that my baby is now 4 years old. Wow.

I have been inspired by my fellow adoptees to think and write and process things as they come. So here I am, again.

Developments

I can't believe that two months have passed. So much has happened that's good. I'll save the less happy things for my next entry.

I was accepted into the Entry-Level Master of Science in Nursing, Family Nurse Practitioner track at Samuel Merritt College in Oakland. I couldn't be happier! I won't have a long commute into the city, and I'll get to go straight through to the FNP. It will be challenging, but I'm so ready to work hard. And I'm going to help a dear friend study for the NCLEX, which she plans to take this summer. I am excited to learn along with her.

My husband and I made an offer on a house in Alameda that has been accepted, so if all goes well, we'll be homeowners in a month. I will be sad to leave and sell our loft, but it's absolutely time to move. Our boys need more space (as do we), and our new home is simply perfect for us.

My three-year-old son started preschool in February and couldn't be happier. He is blooming in the social environment, and I'm glad for him and for the chance to spend time alone with the younger one.

I'm leaving tonight to go spend a long weekend my best friend from graduate school, Thomenon, who lives in Salt Lake City. I will get to sleep uninterrupted in his apartment for THREE whole nights, and we can shop, check out guys, and generally have a blast together. I am desperately in need of this mini-vacation.

Frustrations

January is half over. My husband's mother died, and he's been in Germany for over a week. The kids and I miss him, but I've been lucky to have my parents around to help out with the kids.

I had my first Spanish class on Wednesday; I am excited to learn, but I know that it will be a very slow-paced class. I fear boredom. I can certainly push myself, but wonder if I have the energy.

I found out that I have to take Introductory Sociology after all, because it's required for the nursing boards (at least that's what a counselor at Samuel Merritt told me). I will have the first class in that next Monday. I was bummed to have to take it as I am otherwise finished with prerequisites and just want to get on with my life.

I've been visiting preschools for a couple of weeks because we want my elder son to start soon, now that he's three years old. There is such a range of philosophies and types of classroom. I know what I like and what I think he'd love and thrive with (Montessori), so it's all about finding the best fit for him and our budget.

I've taken on way, way to much of late, and I thank Greensunflower and SuperEm for gently pointing out that I have to cut back before I start nursing school. I guess I'm just exhausted by having to deal with people I don't understand and who don't listen or think. I've realized it's very bad for my blood pressure to have to deal with such people, and I can't avoid them. I need to find a much better coping mechanism.

Thanks also to my great friend SL for feeding my bad celebrity habits. I have a new, fabulous, weekly reason to procrastinate.

Successes and failures

Successes: I survived the holidays (well, almost). I finished Microbiology and did well, I think. USF accepted me to the Master's Entry program.

Failures: I was rejected by UCSF without even an interview. I am plagued by self-doubt where it comes to my Samuel Merritt application because I really want to get into the FNP program (which USF's isn't), and my rejection by UCSF stings.

Then, as the cherry on top, I feel angry all the time right now, especially with my husband and kids. I could be PMSing, but don't think so. It's been a long time coming.

At least I was able to see two movies this week that I enjoyed wholeheartedly: The History Boys and Night at the Museum. Good thing about the second is that I went alone and could laugh to my heart's content. Bad thing about the first was that my mother, who has absolutely no whisper at all, kept asking me questions about the plot or asking me to translate the bits in French (there were no subtitles). Still, it was lovely to be challenged intellectually by a film, and it has helped me to realign my personal statement for SMC.

Perfectionism

I have known for most of my life that one of my major flaws is a mean perfectionist streak. I hold myself (and sometimes others) to unreasonably high moral/ethical/performance standards, and I often become really morose or angry or both when I (and they) fail to meet those standards. Perfectionism is ridiculous, I know, but I also feel that it has helped me be successful in my academic work. It has also made me a damn good copy editor (aka nitpicker).

I had a head-on collision with my perfectionism this week after I got my grade for an exam I took in Microbiology. I did well (got an A) but it wasn't as high an A as I would have liked, and I am excoriating myself for making two stupid mistakes that would have given me three more points. I always recheck my answers to catch careless mistakes, but occasionally I don't notice the mistakes, or the way in which I thought about the question at first continues to color my reading of the answer on the second run through. I probably wouldn't even care so much about my score if a fellow student (a very lackadaisical, uninvested young student in fact), hadn't bettered me (by one point). It's so awful, but I have now spent two days second guessing myself and driving myself and the people around me absolutely nuts. I feel completely pathetic being so obsessed about such a small thing. I can come up with innumerable reasons that I should let go of this, but none of them are working at the moment. I guess I need to go on a good, long run or escape to the movies. All I know is that I'm going to KICK ASS on the take-home final. I am sooo fired up.

If I were a reasonable person, I would be focusing on my older son's downright beautiful blossoming in speech. For some reason, the floodgates have opened and he is a becoming a complete chatterbox. I really think that he will catch up verbally, or be close to catching up, by the time he starts Kindergarten. How exciting for him! I am also incredibly thrilled for him because his ability to speak is making so much difference in how he handles stress; now that he can explain what's going on for him and how he feels, he resorts less to physical violence directed at his brother or the poor (medicated) dog.

Another completely unexpected thing happened today. My husband mentioned that he'd been thinking about what it would be like to have a third child (rest assured, I will NOT allow this to happen). I have not entertained the thought of a third for more than a heartbeat because the prospect is so overwhelming that it makes me want to vomit, faint, then run away upon resuscitation. I am flabbergasted that my dear one would even verbalize this; as a friend said, his telling me this means that he's given it more than cursory thought. I am beyond shocked because I thought that if ever one of us would contemplate having a third, it would be me (after a cold day in hell). Well, people are surprising.

Absurdities

A friend once told me that she found it quite odd that the very first thing I ever said to her was that I had to drop off my dog at daycare. I guess that I've been on the fringes of the dog world for so many years that it didn't seem weird to me. But I have now really crossed the weird threshold in my own estimation: I spent the afternoon at the vet having a three-month checkup for my dog, who is on Prozac. Yes, my dog is on psychotropic meds. Why? Because she has to live with me (certifiable) and two very naughty little boys. I feel so sad and awful that I have to medicate my canine friend in order for her to handle everyday life.

On a parallel track of strangeness, I find that I am fascinated by the weird facts I'm having to learn about parasites for my Microbiology laboratory exam. I had no idea that there were so many little creatures so happy to make their homes in humans. And of course, being a hypochondriac, I will soon diagnose myself with at least ten of them.

Less absurdly, I am thrilled to have found the person from whom I was separated at birth (give or take a couple of years). My new partner in crime brings a smile to my face and a wicked laugh to my belly. It's nice to giggle with such a kindred spirit. She is also in my Microbiology class and is a fantastic study buddy, not to mention having a large soft spot in her heart for men from the Northwestern Archipelago and being willing to analyze the character of Tom Quinn in MI-5 with me ad nauseam (and in return, sharing all kinds of juicy tidbits about Hugh Laurie). She is also a refugee from the arts, but in a much more glam fashion. She worked in film and even has her own page on IMDb. I will be sad when she gets into Johns Hopkins and NYU and flees the West for greener pastures East, but I promise I will haunt her there.

Only five papers and an exam to go before the holidays.

Afternoon

I have a great friend, Greensunflower, whose blog is all full of holiday cheer, and I feel like a curmudgeonly slug by comparison. I do hope that she will remember to give me some of her peppermint bark this year, as I am sure that is all I need to get me in the holiday spirit.

In the meantime, I am having one of those weird afternoons when the hours move very slowly, but everything I do seems to happen in fast forward. The babysitter has the kids, and I've worked hard to finish two written assignments due Monday. It didn't take me all that long (at least after all these years of the academic slog I've learned to write well and quickly). I've otherwise been feeling a bit odd and lethargic; I spoke with a friend on the phone and got up to date with his life, have been reading poetry, and thinking that I should go for a walk with the dog, but I am having the hardest time shifting myself. I think I need to walk to the cafe in the building next door for a HUGE coffee if I have to remain relatively sharp until the kids go to bed (still three hours to go for that).

I've also been blog hopping, reading about people's families, beliefs, children, food loves, travels. It's fascinating to pop in and out of people's lives. What a wonderful invention the Web is. I feel downright old just in thinking how my kids will never know a world without all this technology, while my granparents (three of whom I never knew) were all born before 1910 and the first successful airplane flight. Weird. At least I was born almost three full months before the first moon landing!

Masks

I am taking an interpersonal communication class as a prerequisite for nursing school. That much is unremarkable, and while the content of the class is mostly common sense and otherwise yawn-inducing, I have been thinking about the idea of "faces" and "saving face" in terms of relationships with others. I always find it interesting, even if sometimes sharply painful, to hear what other people think of me, or how they categorize me. It is all the more interesting to catch fragmented images of myself in my thought processes, and to think of all the bits that make me "me."

While I was out shopping today, for example, I was watching all the perfectly coiffed and manicured and fashioned women walking down the very bourgeois shopping area. I didn't feel ugly, but I did feel a bit out of sorts (that's why I can't live in the keep-up-with-the-Joneses town over the hill from where I live). I realized that I miss my dearest, far-away friend, because no one dares look askew at a woman walking around with a queen (unless the watcher is another queen). I also missed him awfully as I was walking around the Cody's on Fourth Street in Berkeley; the inventory is more shockingly inadequate than ever, the art history books are more ridiculous, if possible, and there was no one with whom to share little sarcastic tidbits from Jessica Mitford's collected letters. There was no one to tell me how splendid my newly waxed eyebrows looked, how I need to get some shirts other than t-shirts, and that it's shameful that the same images get used ad nauseam on books: Friedrich's "The Wanderer," a bust of Julius Caesar, a photograph of the Pantheon's interior, and some dreadful detail from an Impressionist painting that would cue the great line from the film "Clueless" about Monet. In my mind I drew another cliche comparison, between myself and Duerer's "Melancholia."

I thought back to how, at someone's birthday party in England in 1979, a friend named Gavin told me that I had the reputation of being "far too serious." I was ten years old! But there it was. Perhaps that's partially to explain how I ended up on the margins. Some other faults, enumerated by friends at various junctures, include being rude about acknowledging hospitality (age eight); lacking discretion (many times); being unfaithful (mostly from age sixteen onward, and I have severed ties with family members over that one); being a poor listener (age seventeen, and thanks Sisir for that one). I often want to feel perfect, so I try to change, knowing that I can never really be perfect. I am quite sure that there are many more shortcomings I could find with very little effort, and that my friends would be all too happy to tell me. But then there is the defensiveness that accompanies the introspection and the holding up of shortcomings. I suppose that what I'm saying is that I don't really want to know, because I spent so many years living under what turned out to be the burdens of other people's expectations of me rather than who I was. I remember writing one time in a journal that a then-boyfriend thought that I was clumsy and stupid, two things I really am not. I should have left him long before I wrote such a thing, but those ideas became part of me until I shook them off in the last few years. Ah, the tyranny of self-fulfilling prophecies!

As I mentioned in my post from earlier today (it's almost tomorrow, now), I was going to buy a book of Shakespeare's sonnets. Number 29 seems particularly apt for someone at the margins:
"When, in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes,
I all alone beweep my outcast state,
And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries,
And look upon myself and curse my fate. . ."

Its ending, too, provides a positive light to balance the melancholy:
"Haply I think on thee, and then my state,
Like to the lark at break of day arising
From sullen earth, sings hymns at heaven's gate;
For thy sweet love remembered such wealth brings
That then I scorn to change my state with kings."

But rather than think of a single "thou," I see my friends as my most powerful resources and allies.

Grateful

For as much as I've had my head in the clouds (or in less exalted climes) of late, I have been thinking hard about how I am grateful for what I do have: my adoring husband, my two lively sons, my health, my intellect, and most of all, beloved friends.

It is all too simple to forget the wonderful things when I think about what I don't have, and I, only child that I am, can be incredibly selfish. I am so lucky to have friends who love me and support me despite my self-centeredness, and I salute you all and send you my most steadfast love and admiration. I am forever and adoringly yours. And I want to say that I am most touched that you share what you do with me, and hope that I am more than a little supportive in return.

Now off to get my eyebrows waxed and to buy a copy of Shakespeare's sonnets (having just heard a recording of Matthew Macfadyen reading Sonnet 29). I shall lose myself in literature today, rather than DVDs.

Celebrities

I am a pop culture junkie. There's no way of getting around it, and I am not ashamed to say that I read People, US Weekly, etc., in the line at the grocery store. The only reason I don't subscribe is that if I did get those magazines at home, I'd never read anything remotely good for my brain cells.

Having said that, I am not one of those people who just "runs into" celebrities everywhere, like some friends of mine, or who make it their mission to meet or talk to their favorite celebrities. My two celebrity sightings (until tonight) were having had Sean Connery tell me that I forgot to take my cheeseburger when I was studiously trying to seem indifferent to his presence and walked away from a restaurant's counter without my order, and having seen Leo DiCaprio in a London bookstore.

In tonight's chapter, I was eating at a local fast-food Chinese restaurant with my hooligan children, my parents, and my two friends visiting from Belgium. I was trying to prevent my kids from wreaking havoc, and largely not succeeding. Then one of my friends pointed out a woman in line with a man and two children. He was convinced that she was a famous actress, possibly from a soap opera. I tried not to stare too intently (she was about two feet away from us), and couldn't figure it out at first. She was dressed in thrashed old clothes, was wearing no makeup, and had long, grayish blond hair. I couldn't see her husband's face, but he was dressed in old jeans, a denim jacket, and a trashy polyester trucker-type hat that said "CIA" on it. Then I realized that the woman reminded me a lot of Robin Wright Penn. But there was no way that she'd be in the fast-food restaurant, and no way was that guy Sean Penn. Except they were! I quelched (barely) my desire to tell him how I admire him, and to tell her the same, while Callum dumped an almost full glass of water on my mom's lap. It was a disaster, but at least Sean Penn smiled at me as I attempted to deal with the mess.

So when is Matthew Macfadyen's family going to go to my local Ben and Jerry's?

Not all there

My beloved husband is in India on business, my parents are visiting (thank goodness for their help), the kids are crazy, and I am existing moment to moment. I am certainly to blame in large part for my exhaustion as I stay up extremely late watching DVDs (I am currently mesmerized by the BBC program "MI-5" and instead of watching one episode, end up watching 2 or 3 at a time). I should be studying Microbiology, but I am powerless against the siren call of the screen.

The last few days have been particularly rough on my eldest son, who has a cold and a particularly nasty stomach bug. Sparing the disgusting details, I can say that there has been much cleaning up to do, and much trauma associated with his bed. I was worried that he would refuse to sleep there ever again, but he's tucked in and out for the count, at least for now.

I have also been enjoying the stellar company of one of my oldest friends, who is visiting from Brussels with his partner. I realized today that I have known my friend for 29 years, which is almost unbelievable. We went out tonight for dinner, along with my parents (who have of course also known my friend forever), and it was fun to remember silly things we did at the ages of 8, 9, 10, and 11. I completely adore my friend's partner, who has been a softening influence on him, without doubt. It's wonderfully fun to be silly and to tease my friend (who can be a delightful stick-in-the-mud, but a stick-in-the-mud, nonetheless). We have decided that the next time I need to visit my in-laws in Germany, I will help my beloved get the kids to Oma's house, and then take the next train to Belgium.

What else has my addled brain been up to? I am reading an article in the New Yorker on Charles Darwin, written by Adam Gopnik. I completely abhor Gopnik's tone and mode of thinking, and have been very unimpressed over the years by his supposed skill in art history (I am most disdainful of his biases against certain artists, failure to look closely at works of art). I am also underwhelmed by his ardent Francophilia, shared as it is by too many wannabe French art historians. Before beginning his articles, I bet myself about the number of paragraphs it will be before he manages to share a pearl of wisdom about France or French culture, no matter what the subject. So it is with great surprise and not a little grudging respect, that I have to admit that I am thinking often and positively about what I've learned about Darwin. I particularly enjoyed the comparison of Darwin and Trollope and Eliot; it makes complete sense, and I am intrigued.

I have also been driven to buy Trollope's "The Way We Live Now" following my marathon DVD session of last week, which was spurred on of course by Matthew Macfadyen's gorgeousness and sublime acting skills. Now it sits on my bedside table, where I reckon it will remain, unopened, until the end of the semester. But at least beginning the book can be an admirable goal; maybe I'll even finish it before 10 years go by. I won't hold my breath. Somehow I never have enough time to dedicate to such elevated pursuits as reading things longer than 10 pages.

Before I go to bed, I am thinking about my beloved, and hoping that he's doing all right as he deals with horrible jet lag and culture shock. I miss him and wish I could be there with him in Pune. I wonder if he'll run into Brad and Angelina? Not that he'd even recognize them.