If I found out today I were pregnant (which would be a freaking miracle--but that's another topic), I would end the pregnancy. I say this for several reasons, even though I don't find the prospect of an abortion particularly appetizing.
My health is such that it would be highly unlikely that I could carry the pregnancy to term, and would be dangerous to me if I did so. I could throw a clot that would block blood flow to the placenta, or that might go to my heart, lungs, or brain. I am unwilling to play Russian roulette with my body and possibly die, leaving my other children without a mother. [For me, this is very separate from suicide.]
I am 41. I don't want to have a baby when I am 42. I am tired all the time, and I get to sleep through the night. I don't want to take care of helpless infants again, however much I enjoy the way they feel in my arms. That's what I do at work: take care of newborns, and then give them back to their parents. It's perfect.
I feel very, very good about my family being complete. I have never seriously entertained the idea of a third child. It would not be a happy or welcome surprise. I would not want to "gift" said child to another family because I cannot, in good conscience, create an adoptee who is blood-related to me. Even with an open adoption, I could not tell this third child, in truth, "I love you as much as your brothers." Some women can do this. I am not one of them. I am one of those adoptees who would rather have been aborted than placed. Again, this is harsh. I am not saying that my life is worthless. What I do feel, however, is that the pain I have felt every day has been such that I wouldn't choose it for myself. C got to choose, and I am living with her choice. I am not giving her a medal for having me.
I would be very concerned about Down Syndrome or other anomalies. I would have an easier time terminating at 7 weeks than at 12 or 16 or 20 weeks, although I would do so later, as well. I know I would be a terrible parent to a child with special needs. This may sound harsh, but I know how I feel and what the reality would be. A special needs child with me for a mother would not be happy. Yes, people can adjust and rise to the occasion--but I cannot do that particular job. As I said in an earlier post, I would have aborted either of the two sons I have if they had tested positive for Down Syndrome. This may make me a monster, but I can live with that. I couldn't live with knowing I could not love that child with all my heart and devote myself to taking care of him or her. It reminds me in some ways of a first mom I know who says she couldn't raise her first child because she didn't love him from conception and the moment she knew she was pregnant. The pregnancy--and child--were unthinkable burdens, so she placed. It's about capacity and willingness to love, and some of us have more to give than others. It depends on person and circumstance, I suppose.
I am glad I live in a society where I have choices. I am not proud to say that I'd have an abortion, and I do everything possible to prevent such a thing from being necessary.
3 comments:
We have to know what we can and can't do, this is so often a problem for parents who have no clear ideas of their capabilities, skills and boundaries.I particularly include adopters in that, because they are not assisted to become realistic only to create fantasies.
My own choices in theory, would be rather different from yours because I'm not you.I would defend your right to your choices to wherever it had to go.
Von, I might change my mind if confronted by a real pregnancy. I dreamed last night that I did.
I have a friend who is 45. She delivered her fourth healthy boy on Thursday. I visited her in the hospital and loved holding her son. But the thought of having more than two kids to look after gives me an anxiety attack! I am on one of those people who doesn't have an endless surfeit of patience. I like having my body to myself and not nursing 24/7.
On the other hand, the love that my second son gives me is the most wonderful, healing love. My husband fought me tooth and nail against having a second child. I cannot imagine life without Tobey. He is the one who crawls in my lap, holds onto me, and makes me see how life is worth living. He gives unconditional love that is easy to return. I know not all kids do that, but if I hadn't had Tobey, I would have missed out on a world of joy.
In some ways, I wish I could be like my friend at 45 who would keep on having as many babies as she could--ideally, she would like nine or ten, but age prohibits that--who are all welcome as the sun. But as you said, it is good to know our limits.
I think you're wonderful, Von. Thank you for the support.
Entirely mutual Mrs M! I adore babies, loved being pregnant although lost a few with great grief and sadness.I would have had many, many more if time hadn't run out.Grandparenting next!
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