I was watching a spooky film from from 2002, Till Human Voices Wake Us, with a title borrowed from T.S. Eliot's The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock.
There's a great short speech in which a farmer gives advice to a young man.
The farmer says, "Most people like to hide from things. It retards the growth of the spirit, and pretty soon their mortal ears cannot hear the soul, flapping its wings, wanting to fly in the face of life, to dare. You understand? You'll never be quite alive until you do."
Spoken by a true Scotsman, as well. Tailor-made for me, in an odd way.
I needed those words tonight.
I am doing everything right, or as right as I am able. People around me are hiding, blind, refusing to live. I am functioning as well as I can in the face of their dysfunction.
At least I can say that I am living. I am certainly not hiding from anything.
Maybe someday I'll find others who want to live, as well; to live with me, to walk beside me, and who can also hold me and not run away, or leave me in silence. Who aren't so much more damaged that they feel their only recourse is silence.
Perhaps I don't have to give up hope quite yet. This film somehow, which came to me accidentally, seems like a sign.