It's been a while since I've posted twice in a day, but I read something a little while ago that stuck in my craw and it's bothering me so much that I cannot let it go. I went to my adoptee refuge and discussed it and decided to write about it here.
A first mom wrote to another first mom in blogland today. The firstmom is wanting a baby, her firstborn, back. Or a replacement baby. Or something like that. But what really hurt was what the mom wrote:
"when you do have your second firstborn..."
Umm, how the fuck does that work?
I guess you erase having your first child in your head, and pretend s/he never happened, and raise that new one as your firstborn. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.
I know that's what C did. She told me. And that's why it's so triggering for me. She told me once that she considered herself as only having one child. I know that's changed now, and each situation is different, but it's a horrible throwaway thing to hear a mother say to another mother about a child that is supposedly "loved." Hmm. We adoptees have excellent skills in smelling bullshit.
Knowing that the first mother who wrote the statement above WANTS a relationship with her FIRST firstborn, I personally wouldn't be writing shit like that in cyberspace because if her FIRST firstborn reads that, he probably (I can't guarantee it, but probably) will have the same gut-wrenching visceral, painful reaction that I am having that is going to involve some pharmaceuticals in a very short order.
Why, oh why, can these women not THINK about what they say about their children. Oh yeah, see posts below about how we are not human and we have no feelings. We cannot be erased. I know we are all trying to cope with less than optimal experiences, but this is tripe.
Sigh.
22 comments:
What the?????? A second "first born????????" Lemme guess...they were LDS, right?
Could you pass me the pharmaceuticals when you are done with them? What absolute utter nonsense.
No. Catholic. It *is* complete nonsense, isn't it? And insulting. My own firstborn was insulted by this.
I was thinking, and my natural mother didn't call me her "second firstborn." At first, she said she never thought of me as her child at all, which is quite different. She has since changed her mind (I *do* understand how her first response was a defense mechanism), and I am thankful for her change, really thankful. I cannot wait to tell her about this ridiculousness next week, and get her opinion on it.
One of my adoptee friends equated "second firstborn" to "paper pregnancy" as a form of tortured bargaining. I think that makes sense in a way. But ugh.
Oh, Lord. When telling me one of the reasons she was afraid of telling my siblings about me, my n Mom said, "Oh, I just don't want J to not think of himself as my firstborn, or for A to be upset that her daughter is not the only grandchild." I about lost my shit when I heard that one.
And, it is a particularly vile woman who tries to brainwash another woman who has lost her child. You will never have another first born. You may have another child by another man, and that may be HIS first born, but a woman has only ONE first born.
Oh, Linda, this woman was married to the father of her child when she placed, the firsborn and "second firstborn" are full sibs. Nice complication. This reeks of problematic sibling rivalry down the years, doesn't it?
And the mother is doing SO MUCH to smooth things over and make them seem equally loved, no?
All I can see is the firstborn being scapegoated, as we are, so often. What a crock. Excuse me while I vomit.
Oh dear, oh dear!!! If that mother is reading here, please please get yourself some really good support and counselling , talk to some adult adoptees for some ideas on how to talk about adoption, adoptees and what is hurtful, harmful and part of the brainwashing you received when you made 'an adoption plan'.Read some good books on reunion and how to give it your best shot; so far you have a very long way to go.
Oh, it's "THAT" one. She's already gone, hun. Don't waste your time. Those poor kids.
They're full siblings and she's using that terminology??? WTF is she smoking? How awful.
I know, Linda. There's nothing to be done to change the mother. I just feel so God-awful puketastic about the feelings of her little placed son. About five margaritas later, a slightly more numb, but not numb enough. There isn't enough alcohol, or there aren't enough drugs in the world, to deal with the pain of being treated as a non-person by your first parents.
So true!Horrendous.
Okay, give, what site is this where they are using such ridiculous language?
I'm with Lorraine. What site did you read this on? (And you should see my eyes right now - they are as huge as saucers and my mouth is hanging open all agape. )
I don't even know what to say. I do follow this first mom, and I very much worry for her placed son because in addition to her issues (which I am gld she does seem to be aware of and was trying to address), his adoptive mothers seem to have issues as well.
We have a reverse issue, my daughter is her first mom's youngest (15+ years younnger than the last). She has referred to her youngest raised daughter as "her little one" and I had to remind her that our daughter was her littlest one. So hard, my daughter has been asking to meet her sisters, she is only 3. This is hard shit.
I agree, Trish. I think I feel sad all around for the little boy. He has to cope with be scapegoated for his mother's guilt/shame/ambivalence, and for his adoptive mothers' general oddities. I only hear about them from his first mother, of course, so it's filtered stuff (and I don't feel like I can take her word for much of anything), but it doesn't sound like he has any kind of loving environment, anywhere, in which he's treated like the number one, most loved person on the planet. I at least had that with my APs.
I guess I don't want to go after her with torches blazing or call her out by name publicly in a one-on-one because I just don't think it would do anyone any good. I am angry about what she said, STILL. I think she probably doesn't get why I should or would be upset by what she said. I have told her before that I think what she says is hurtful to adoptees, and to her son. She seems to have the same kind of heart of black glass that my firstborn has, and be willing to shrug things off and focus on putting attention elsewhere. I am just not that kind of person. Never have been, never will be. I cannot sacrifice the feelings of others, hurt others, and then when they say that they hurt because of what I've done, say "Oh well, I suppose I deserve it, but I have moved on." The machinations of self-protection and sacrifice of others just are beyond me. Totally beyond me.
Oh, and my firstborn is seven years old so has some excuses for his narcissism, however frustrating it may be to me at this point. On the other hand, he does remind me a whole lot of my MIL who gave me that infamous calendar, when I was first engaged, of my husband with his ex, pictured in every month, just to remind me of how my MIL did NOT choose me. Those are some tough genes, and they freak me out.
WHAT? Wow, and I thought my MIL was a crazy bitch.
Hell!!Some people are tactful!!
Yeah, she was a peach. And for the first 10 years of our marriage, my husband would gaslight me, saying, "Oh, but she made you that gift. She put time and effort into it. Clearly she loves you." WTF?
I should have thrown it at both of them and walked. But no, good little adoptee me just sat there and wondered what I could have done to deserve this, and thought that it was safe, given that she lived on another continent. What I didn't realize, is that mindfucking continues between mother and son, and that it doesn't respect the boundaries of continents. Thankfully, he now sees that said gift was cruel and unnecessary. And mean.
At least I have two very beautiful sons! Who are half me.
So very mean.I can't believe anyone can be that horrible. Clearly a manipulative, mean OB.x
They cant think of this because it 1)either hurts them too much or 2)as usual no one considers a baby given up for adoptions feelings 3) I honestly think sometimes people continue a pregnancy because they think it is morally correct and then adopt out and look at it as some kind of permissible abortion.
I agree with the permissible abortion thing, Greensunflower. I have often thought of myself as one of those. And many people call us "walking abortions" who should be grateful that we weren't aborted. But you've heard me talk about that ad nauseam over sushi.
But I still don't get why it's so hard to see us a human beings with feelings. Truly. I am not a robot, an alien, a vegetable, or a mineral. Then again, listening to us might mean actually having to take us seriously. And that would be out of the question, I suppose.
Well, you can have two Firstborns, if Daughters and Sos are counted seperately, rather than together as Children, as some people do, but that was clearly not what was intended here...
Then you'd say My first born Daughter of My first born son wouldn't you? You can only have one firstborn, ever!!
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