Limbo

I am in limbo, once again.

Oh, the lies, the weight of the unknown, the waiting, the burdens of others.

What to say?

I am proud of myself for remaining upright and not giving in to the forces that pull me down; that I am ignoring the voices that nearly took my life three years ago. I have no idea why I am on this journey, and why I am being tried this way, but borrowing again from Kurt Vonnegut, so it goes.

I am surrounded, as usual, by forces of the absurd. I went out with Nalini yesterday to get a pedicure. A woman ran screaming down the street as we approached the salon, saying something into a phone that approximated "Code Key" and "Poison," so we had her sit down. Nalini triaged her, we figured out that she'd ingested something that was making her feel ill, or off. Nalini figured out that there were also psych issues (of course, why not?) while I did vitals, and she was alert and oriented, just screaming and breathing fast. Apparently, she'd eaten a cookie laced with some controlled substance that she didn't know was laced with drugs. And there you go. She'd never been high, and she thought she was losing her mind. So we being good nurses, we stayed with her until the Oakland Fire Department arrived and took over. Always some excitement; then the cops arrived, and she was 5150'd for combative behavior. Better her than me, but I may join her soon. This world is insane. I don't really believe I'm the insane one anymore, just as my friend Thomenon said. It's them, not us.

At least Nalini and I were able to get our pedis, and our toenails look gorgeous (my janky one has finally grown back enough to merit painting).

I am trying not to ask "Why?", which is a tall order. Why are people so stubborn? Why do they stick their heads in the sand? Why are they so stuck in their ways, and selfish? Why can they not listen? WTF? If I were Buddhist, I'd say this is my lesson for this life, and I clearly, CLEARLY haven't figured it out yet.

I am not a hobgoblin (at least not in this life, yet). I am not disgusting to look at (in general). I am well spoken, and I try to be polite. I truly do. I respect boundaries (mostly) and am loyal. I may get upset and yell at my friends, but I do calm down and ask for forgiveness. Nalini and I had that thing in New York but she forgave me, and we have moved on, stronger than ever. We were talking about running away to Scotland, especially after she saw Black Watch, which I've been jonesing to see for seven years. (Maybe next week.) It's a play about the famous Scottish regiment's participation in the Iraq War. I am so interested to see it; the press has been amazing. It sounds profound.

I cannot stop looking at my father's face, so I will post him here. As that great line goes from Shekhar Kapoor's film, Elizabeth, starring Cate Blanchett: "I am my father's daughter."