Monday, January 17, 2011

Someone I need to let go

I have sat with this idea for a day or two. I know all about not wanting to let go, but I have recently been very successful in not hanging on to people who torment me. I brainstormed with different friends, and they agreed with me that--at the moment--I am not pathologically entwined with anyone.

Six months ago, I might have thought that I needed to let go of C for my own sanity. I am glad that I didn't. The emotional payoffs have been huge recently. She even called me back to find out how I was doing when I was in the hospital. She makes me laugh. I really like her, and as she said to me, learning about each other as friends takes a lot of pressure off. I can tell that she cares more about me than someone she met in the grocery store, although if that is what she needs to picture me as for now, so be it.

Five years ago, I would have said that I needed to let go of the person I wrote about yesterday. I have.

A year ago, I would have said that I needed to let go of someone else who affected me deeply on an emotional level. I have.

Ten years ago, Thomenon told me to rid my life of the people from graduate school who were happy to ridicule me and act like high school bitches. The people who were snide, or who maliciously said, "One day you'll be as happy as I am." Ugh. They're gone. Finally.

Even in graduate school I knew that I had to find a way never to let my adviser have anything to do with my life, ever again. Check.

Fifteen years ago, I used to have dreams of returning to St. Louis to show my bullies that I was a success and very happy despite what they had done to me. Then I realized that the battle was all going on inside my head, and that I was only hurting myself. So I let go.

I am so glad that I have arrived at a point where I am no longer hanging on to people who have harmed or have potential to harm me. I have healthy boundaries, although I sometimes feel unsure about putting them up. Guilty, almost. Still, it is better to protect myself than deal with the garbage that all too many people are willing to throw onto me. They don't have to like me, or vice versa. All that I ask is that there be a basic level of civility between adults.

1 comment:

Unknown said...

Sounds like you've done a lot of growing over the years. Glad to see that through it all you've been blessed with some really solid friends to help you cross the mud puddles and get to solid ground again.