I bought my ticket today. I am going to meet C. It's happening.
I don't have words for this. I feel it in my body, more than anything at this point, today.
C and I were talking about what our expectations are, and we decided: our meeting is about expanding our friendship in person, which will be a lovely thing. I am perfectly happy with that.
At the same time, it is undeniably odd to be meeting one's mother for the first time since one's birth. Just is.
My aunt is going to join us one day, which is fantastic, and I hope to be seeing my fabulously supportive first-mom friend Lori, who was with me on my first pilgrimage to Indiana.
I will be back in a Midwestern winter, as well. Haven't done that in a long, long time. I will be layering on the sweaters, as my pea coat is too huge. I have become a Northern California hothouse flower with thin blood.
I feel in some ways that I will be on display (I will be), but I am secure in myself in a way that I have never been before. I like myself, and that counts above all. No one can take that away from me.
One of my favorite people at work reminds me and others to let the negatives fall away, like water off a duck's back. If there are things to be learned, fine. Learn them, but self-excoriation won't help. For some reason, I am in a place where this has been working for me, and damn, it feels great.
I make mistakes, I see what I've done, I change my behavior, I correct things, and I move on. I see where others are acting like morons, I can call them out on it (or not), and stay my course. I refuse to take their shit on as my shit.
I know it's not just the Topamax, because I've been on that for nearly a year, and my dose has been halved. I know it's not just the support of my wonderful aparents, because I've had that my entire life. I know it's not just the love of my friends, because they've been doing their damndest for years, and it's been uphill work. It's not just the love of C, although that is the icing on the cake. It's not just the love of myself. It's everything, finally coming together.
Better late than never.
Age has its benefits; I love the perspective that I can bring to situations these days.
Maybe not my wrinkles, but oh well. I am am enjoying middle age. If only my body would oblige and dissolve that fucking clot.