Thursday, January 26, 2012


I bought my ticket today. I am going to meet C. It's happening.


I don't have words for this. I feel it in my body, more than anything at this point, today.

C and I were talking about what our expectations are, and we decided: our meeting is about expanding our friendship in person, which will be a lovely thing. I am perfectly happy with that.

At the same time, it is undeniably odd to be meeting one's mother for the first time since one's birth. Just is.

My aunt is going to join us one day, which is fantastic, and I hope to be seeing my fabulously supportive first-mom friend Lori, who was with me on my first pilgrimage to Indiana.

I will be back in a Midwestern winter, as well. Haven't done that in a long, long time. I will be layering on the sweaters, as my pea coat is too huge. I have become a Northern California hothouse flower with thin blood.

I feel in some ways that I will be on display (I will be), but I am secure in myself in a way that I have never been before. I like myself, and that counts above all. No one can take that away from me.

One of my favorite people at work reminds me and others to let the negatives fall away, like water off a duck's back. If there are things to be learned, fine. Learn them, but self-excoriation won't help. For some reason, I am in a place where this has been working for me, and damn, it feels great.

I make mistakes, I see what I've done, I change my behavior, I correct things, and I move on. I see where others are acting like morons, I can call them out on it (or not), and stay my course. I refuse to take their shit on as my shit.

I know it's not just the Topamax, because I've been on that for nearly a year, and my dose has been halved. I know it's not just the support of my wonderful aparents, because I've had that my entire life. I know it's not just the love of my friends, because they've been doing their damndest for years, and it's been uphill work. It's not just the love of C, although that is the icing on the cake. It's not just the love of myself. It's everything, finally coming together.

Better late than never.

Age has its benefits; I love the perspective that I can bring to situations these days.

Maybe not my wrinkles, but oh well. I am am enjoying middle age. If only my body would oblige and dissolve that fucking clot.


Real Daughter said...

Oh my God, Oh my God, oh my God!!!!!! I am so stoked for you! Lord, woman, I just spoke to you 48 hours ago, lol. So happy for you and C. Ill call you later tonight! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

ms. marginalia said...

Oh, adoption we goooooo....!!!

I am sure it will be great. I am still in shock that it is happening. A year ago I felt like a pile of shit, so this is a lot better.

I just got the note from my hepatologist and was reading it. He wrote four pages about my not-very-good health, and then summed it up with the mental stuff and made me laugh:

"8. Depression. I think the patient is still struggling with depression and anxiety, which is understandable given her chronic and disabling abdominal pain. Nonetheless, she seems to be coping with this in an admirable fashion. Nonetheless, she may benefit from further evaluation and treatment by a mental health professional, assuming this is not ongoing."

I think he meant "*is* ongoing." If it isn't ongoing, who cares? And if he can find me a mental health professional who can deal properly with adoption issues along with everything else, and can say my name properly and not forget things from week to week, well then, maybe I will talk to them. But I am SICK of paying $150/hour to people who are idiots. Just sick and tired and DONE. And honestly, I really, really, really don't feel depressed.


Trish said...

There will be many there with you in spirit, cheering and crying when you get to embrace your mother for the first time. And I just cried typing that....

Julie Stromberg said...

OMG Mrs. M! So happy to read this. The emotions. Oh the emotions that must be coursing through you right now. I am laughing and crying at the same time thinking about this moment and what it means. Lots and lots of love to you.