Sunday, September 04, 2011


I have been living too much of my life by proxy this past year, wanting to build relationships with people I don't know and who don't really know me or have time for me, spending time on the Internet in fights that aren't worth my time, debating people whose arguments aren't worth the dirt on my shoe. I'm finished with that. It's been positive over this past month to step back and ground myself. To let people go, and see who comes back to me. It's been quite illuminating; I hold people to high standards, it's true, but that's okay. It's time to put myself first.

I was thinking about a post that Amanda made on her blog about coming to peace with oneself on one's adoption journey, and perhaps I'm closer to that place than I had thought.

I have been able just to be.

I spent a great long weekend with my aparents in Southern California the week before last, nerding out, swimming, playing with the kids, watching movies, and enjoying my father's birthday present. I gave him a lecture series on the Vikings. Yes, we are seriously that nerdy of a family. It made me realize how wonderful it is that I belong to my aparents; I wouldn't trade them for the world. They understand me like no one else, and it is what it is. They are my home, my support, my most constant source of unconditional love. And as much as adoption has left me with loss, they are its gain for me.

While I was visiting my aparents, I also spent a part of a day with my brother and his family, and for the first time, we could actually just be as well. I think we were all relieved and happy about that. It was also the first time we were together that I didn't cry. Maybe it was the drugs. Maybe it was having Callum with me. I don't know, I don't care. It made me wish that we could work on getting to know each other as people. Perhaps we can try.


Von said...

So glad for you! What's nerdy about the Vikings?? x

ms. marginalia said...

Thanks, Von! We especially loved hearing about the Viking who converted to Christianity but refused to give up his belief in the old gods while at sea. He said, "I am a Christian while on land, but while sailing, I belong to Thor!" The lecturer was fantastic, a good natured fellow with a wonderful brain. They'd better lend me the rest of the lectures when they're finished!

sostinkinhappy said...

:) This post makes me very, very, *very* happy. I hope to read many more of them in the days and weeks to come.


Amanda Woolston said...

Happy for you!

I have stuffs to tell you!!! <3

Trish said...

I have been thinking about you-yes, I think about you even whenoff the internet...often if I am beibg honest-and I was hoping you were in a [more] peaceful place. I like this post, and not because I am an aparent and I want you to be a "happy adoptee", but because I am a woman who cares about your happiness. As much as I don't know what I believe in, I send good thoughts your way and hope in some way they reach you.

Cricket said...

{{{hugs}}} Love you..and am so happy for you. :)

Lorraine Dusky said...

Sweet post.