Sunday, December 05, 2010


Trust is a precarious thing. I like to believe that I see the good in people until they prove me wrong, protecting myself as much as I can in the meantime. But still, there are people who beg for second chances and trust, but who don't deserve them. They may be wonderful people--with others, but not with me.

Of course, being adopted makes my trust baggage even worse, but there comes a time when enough is enough.

That's all I have. I can only take care of myself, and for now, that's taking as much energy as I can muster.

I think I feel betrayal all the more keenly because I try--although I am not always successful--not to betray others. I can think of some pretty awful things I did to people as I was swimming blindly in my late teens and early twenties, just trying to find myself but not knowing how. Knowing that I wasn't getting enough out of a relationship, or even the right thing. Letting others abuse me, but being passive-aggressive and hurting them back.

I think one healthy thing is that I have at last discovered my bottom line. There are friends of mine who aren't there for me always when I need them, but I know they love and care for me. I trust in their friendship. Then there are those who say they want to be there, but only do so to use me. And they think I don't notice. Well, I do.

I wish it didn't burn as badly as it does. It hurts, but it does feel better in the end to cut people out than to question their commitment to standing by me as a friend, no matter what.


Sunday Koffron Taylor said...

I wish I could get better at cutting people out of my life; I tend to hold on to relationships, that is my foster care baggage for sure. I am getting better at stepping back but honestly some people should just GO, but I just have a hard time with giving up on people…

Amanda Woolston said...

I know how you feel.

I have friends who go out for coffee together but don't invite me. Or who have been friends for so long that it doesn't seem like I'll ever be as close to them as they are to each other. I grew up with a close-knit group of friends that went their separate ways at graduation. Now, wherever I go (I've moved like 3 or 4 times in the past 7 years), I start brand new, with every one.

But, I'm bad at being a good friend to begin with. I get caught up in activities and don't often make time with friends, call people, or think to take time to set something up to be with other people. Since my reunion in January, there are times when I feel so emotionally overwhelmed that I don't feel like I can take care of my friends and give them what they deserve.

I haven't been there as for you much as I want to be, as much as you deserve. I'm trying to do better; I promise <3 Love you.

Von said...

Know what you mean, sometimes we let people hurt us because some attention is better than no attention.Once we can get to the point of resisting anything toxic it feels better.Some people can be so clever at dragging us back in.I think we always have a bit of vulnerability about being loved, by our families and our friends.Sometimes a lot!
I've found recently that the more I risk telling old friends and family how I really feel the more they respond positively and support me.

ms. marginalia said...

Von, you are so right. When I tell people who truly love me that I'm not getting my needs met, or that I feel let down, they often respond with immense kindness.

Those who are into it for themselves just shrug their shoulders and walk away or ignore me altogether.

Nothing hurts me more than having people simply ignore me as if I don't matter. Well, fact is, I don't matter to them. So the best thing I can do is recognize that and act accordingly.

Amanda, I know you're busy as heck with school and kids. I feel secure that you love me, so when you don't talk to me, I don't think it's because you don't care. It's a time issue, not a love and commitment issue. I love you.