Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Keys

I have not been able to get Before Sunset out of my head.

I was thinking about another line of Celine's: "I guess when you're young, you just believe there will be many people whom you'll connect with. Later in life, you realize it only happens a few times."

It's a gift, that connection with someone. When a person is able to see right through to your innermost self, or takes the time to, or cares to. Or all of the above. But then, having that power, they can also hurt you--they know your most vulnerable spots, and they can be scared away by what they see, or be disinterested in you, or any of a thousand other things.

I have had many relationships fail. I am not the easiest person to get along with, to be sure. Long ago, my mom was having a conversation with the mother of one of my exes. My ex's mom said, "He'll never marry her, you know." My mom's response? "Oh, I'm not worried about that. Kara always breaks up with them in the end, anyway." Ouch. I didn't think that was fair at the time since I always *felt* like the the one spurned, but now I see that Mom spoke the truth. So many non-connections, so very many.

Humans are searingly imperfect, aren't we?

Having recently come into possession of some powerful information about myself, a lost puzzle piece, another step towards understanding who I was (or who I had the potential to be), I've wanted to share that information with some of the people who have loved me the most, who have had that small but important key to the part of myself that's now so assiduously locked off in my fortress. The part guarded by the dragon. They know how to get past the monster and don't fear it.

When they've affirmed my news (and me), I feel a glow that's remarkable, incredible. I feel a little more alive, a lot less frozen. It's been like shaking out a limb that's been asleep for too long, hating the pins and needles but welcoming the return of the blood to weak, blanched tissue. I don't have to expend energy explaining or acting or drawing elaborate pictures. They are intuitive. When I am anxious or excited, my brain tends to move at 150 mph. If a person cannot keep up, I have a tendency to become very upset or angry. At times like that, I need people around me with emotional intelligence, or I must have space.

I wonder what it is (serendipity?) that leads us humans to one another sometimes. What makes us connect so well to some people but not to others? What is this elusive chemistry that we feel warming our veins; that we are fortunate to experience a few times in our lives; that impels our lives to intersect; that leads us to make one another stronger, better?

It's another one of those things I wish I could control, but I cannot.

At least I can say I have been well loved, although it might not have been how, or when, or exactly in the way I wish.

Back to my puzzle.



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