Balance

I am off balance again.

I had been feeling stable, more or less.

Work is going well; I have found my comfort zone after my three and bit years. I still have much to learn, but I am humble and know when to ask for help and advice. I know when things aren't right. I don't feel that I am a danger to anyone, and that's comforting. I love the people I work with, and I think that (most) of them trust me. I enjoy clocking in, getting my assignment, and taking report on my patient(s). I take pleasure in building relationships with my patients over my eight-hour shift. For the most part, I stay in the room with my patient, and I have taken to choosing surgical patients, when possible. I like the order of the operating room and surgical recovery. Everything is controlled.

I had the pleasure, yesterday, of one of my patients finding me in civilian clothes, running up to me and hugging me. She was with friends and told them that I was the "best L&D nurse" and made her experience wonderful. She made me smile. My job sometimes feels just like a job, and I don't know how much I have touched lives, although I do my best to make a difference for the better.

I try to center myself. I run, I read, I do things that make me happy. But there is still this huge hole in my heart, this sense of being let down by people who should know better. The ones who say they love me, but don't. I am not necessarily upset. I know their patterns. I should even know that they're using me, or have nothing to give, or utter hollow promises to get things from me that they want. Just sometimes I, in my hopes that they're better people than they are, am disappointed and reminded that I am truly all alone on my island.

I have spent most of my life expending my energy trying to make other people happy, turning myself into a pretzel to make their dreams come true. What did I get out of it? Sometimes good things, sometimes nothing. I have made great strides, positive strides, in ending this "good" behavior that has bad consequences for me.

I cannot stand the empty words anymore. Don't tell me you love me if you cannot back it up by actions. It's too, too triggering.

I have simply had several of those days when I can no longer deny that I am not getting what *I* need, on the most basic levels. And those days are excruciatingly difficult to get through, even on robot mode.

Not to mention that my body is letting me down again. It's all in a package, always. I am left with that sinking feeling that my entire existence on this planet has been to "bring sunshine" to others. I don't want to do it anymore! It's a cruel joke. If that's what it is, I am prepared to jettison about 85% of the people in my life and start over.

As my primary care MD said, I survived all the medical shit through some crazy odds, and it has to be for something better than this. I should have been dead at least five times over. Yes, I want to be a good mother to my children, and that's very important. But I deserve to be happy in my own right, and not just on happy pills.

I feel that there is something I need to do, and I am not quite sure what it is. It's significant, of that I am certain.