New Normal

2012 has crept in, and I am glad to feel that it's going to be better than 2011. At least on some counts.

My resolution is to accept that I have found a new normal for myself. It might not be where I wish it were, or a perfect place, but it's a place where I can breathe and feel some balance.

I had not been feeling myself for much of the autumn, thanks to the dopamax Topamax. On one occasion I forgot I was scheduled to work (not like me); on another, I watched a friend's baby eat a photograph without registering that perhaps stepping in to intervene might be an appropriate action (my dopey inner voice said, "Oh, it's probably laminated, and that's okay!" WTF?); at work one night, one of the midwives asked me to turn the overhead lights on for a delivery and I couldn't figure out what the lights were (umm, really?); and on another occasion, an MD whom I really, really like and admire and want to impress asked me to bring him three simple instruments to the recovery room and I had to WRITE THEM DOWN. None of these things is at all like me. I am sharp as a tack, usually. I can remember things quite well. I began to think that 1. my liver was failing; 2. I had had a small stroke; or 2. for some reason the Topamax wasn't metabolizing properly. Whatever it was, I felt like I was wandering like a cloud, but not happily like in a Wordsworth poem.

So off I went to the ER again, to round out 2011. Many blood tests and a CT and neurology consult later, it turned out that some people can have random, acute episodes of "confusion" (that I would more properly characterize as rank stupidity) on Topamax, even on stable doses. My dose was cut in half, and a day or so later, I felt 100% better. So I am back nearly at square one with what to do with pain medication. Sigh. On the other hand, I am really, really, really glad to have my brain back. While I did enjoy the emotional stability that Topamax gave me, it wasn't worth the loss of brainpower. And really, I am pretty stable emotionally at present. We will see what the future slings at me.

On the family front, I am enjoying my growing relationship with C, and it sounds like we might have a face-to-face meeting at some point in 2012. We will see, but I am cautiously hopeful. And excited. She is a steadfast, wonderful friend, and I look forward to our frequent conversations. It turns out that we are very much alike in some ways, and it's great to see myself mirrored in her. Again, there's that curious mix of nature and nurture that just cannot be denied. She visited my brother recently, went to the same brewery, and ended up picking out exactly the same sweatshirt that I did--without coaching, apparently. Interesting. When relationships with first families can mean more love, without stress, they're pretty amazing. I am pleased that C set such great boundaries and is transparent about her expectations; we both are able to say what we need and it's working well.

I hope to see my brother before too long, if I can swing a trip down south. I miss him. I haven't seen him since late August, which isn't all that long, but given that he's moving in a year and a half, I feel all kinds of desire to maximize his proximity while he's close. And he's being kind about that. I had an adoptee flip out in December when I was worried that he was pushing me away, but we survived it. I think he found it bewildering, but he is sticking with me. So bonus points for him.

I am also not a secret to anyone in my uncle's family anymore, and I went out on a limb and sent them a Christmas card. That felt great. I don't expect anything in return, but I wanted them to know I am thinking of them, and that the door here is open anytime.

Work is finally feeling like something fluid again. Not that I am an expert, but I have a feel for the ropes and go in happy and confident that I can make it through the 8 hours, and that I have something wonderful to offer my patients. Some days are harder than others, to be certain, but each day I learn something new. I want to commit to learning and trying many more new things this year, and trying to become more confident with antepartum patients (the ones we're trying to keep pregnant).

I also want to try to write more, now that my brain is back. Oh brain, how I've missed you. I went to Berkeley on my way back from San Francisco the other day and stopped in at Moe's, one of the best used bookstores on the planet. I bought an old copy of prose poems by Baudelaire, and I want to work on my French again. I can feel the joy washing over me. What doesn't matter, doesn't matter. Such a relief.

2012 is going to be great. I wish all of you a wonderful year. I know there's much sadness out there, and that there's much fighting to be done to change things for adoptees. We will do it. New normal, go!