An adult adoptee friend of mine wrote an open letter to APs and PAPs that I think is very powerful. Another friend who blogs published it on her blog. I am linking to it here. I believe that it's very much worth a read, as it stresses how important it is to think of things from the adoptee's point of view. It's not so much that APs and PAPs aren't important, or that adoption is necessarily bad. Again, I know that my adoption had to happen, and at this point, the only things that I find really egregious are my lack of primary caretaker for those first 10 weeks and the terrible lies that were told to both C and my aparents. That didn't have to happen. My loss was my loss, and I have to work through it. I am doing the best I can, and I appreciate it when people around me try to understand.
I think that much of my frustration over the past months has been what I perceive as a staunch unwillingness to see things from an adoptee's point of view. I get that there are other ways of looking at adoption. I am an adult. Truly, I get it. But there is also no need to ignore that there is a child involved, a child with feelings who also needs to have his or her say. Try not to speak for this child. I am not saying that *I* speak for your adoptee, either. Just listen and remember, and don't say that *my* child isn't like you. *Ask* your child rather than speaking for her. And don't ask leading questions, such as, "You're happy, aren't you?"
http://iadoptee.blogspot.com/2011/12/please-read-this.html
8 comments:
That letter is so important for others to read. So very, very important. Thanks for sharing it again here.
The letter is wonderful and I have shared it. The comments are vomitrocious, however, and I had to stop reading them.
I don't have your e-mail and I wanted to share something with you. yesterday I got some really great news about my daughter's progress in her new school. I instinctually messaged her mother. She wrote right back to say she was so proud. It was a pride only a parent would feel. Her response warmed my heart. I hope she is coming around :)
The comments are so vile, yet so typical. I think it showed people a little glimpse into how we are attacked and dismissed each and every day. Most adopters continually make everything about themselves and don't care about how their adoptlings feel.
Being so ungrateful for being saved must be so hard to take when your salavation depends on it! It's a great letter and hopefully now widely shared.
Thanks for sharing! It's always good for aparents to see from the point of view of other adoptees to know what to expect. I feel so inadequate some times because I litterally don't know what to expect from my kids in the future. I'm so glad I can read others' experiences so I can be better prepared to be a source of help for them and on hindrance.
I too had to stop reading the comments. The attacks on all sides of the triad (especially on aparents - like 'Linda's' comments above gave a minor glimpse of.) surprised me. Maybe I'm just too new to all of this. I had no idea aparents were hated so much. We don't all suck.
(oops! That meant to say NOT hindrance.)
Kristine all adoptee experience is different, that's one of the pitfalls for non-adoptees and we may all be at different stages of the journey, there are five.The important thing is never to make assumptions as many adopters do when they come to the blogs of adoptees saying the appalling things they say sometimes.All adoption begins with loss and trauma, nothing saves us from that.
Trish, so sorry that I have been AWOL. I am THRILLED beyond measure that your daughter's mother wrote back and said she was proud! What a breakthrough for her and for you. She does seem to be reaching out. It seems like walking through molasses at times to stay the course, but it's worth it. So many times I have wanted to give up, really give up in the big way, but I am glad now I didn't. And now you have proof that all that hard work of reaching out is showing some response. Your daughter will have these little moments to show her that her mother cares, and they're worth a mint. She has TWO wonderful mothers. Thank you for sharing!!!
If in the future you want to message me privately, send me e-mail at msmarginalia at gmail dot com.
Kristine, it's a complicated world. I understand that people are easily affronted. I know some APs who are lovely people, my own and Trish included, but having been in debates with quite a few dense, self-righteous ones recently, and read the blogs of many very selfish ones, there are others I wouldn't hesitate to call "adopters" or "adoptoraptors." Those are the ones who make the process/life all about themselves. Yes, it's dangerous to make generalizations, but too often adoptees are the ones generalized about, and we lose patience and kindness as a result.
By contrast, have you read the excellent blog post by a therapist, who is not an adoptee, titled, "This Is Not an Adoption Blog, and I Am Not an Adoption Specialist"? It's eye-opening in its humility. Loved it.
http://whatashrinkthinks.com/2011/12/04/this-is-not-an-adoption-blog-and-i-am-not-an-adoption-specialist/
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