In theory, "family" would mean an extended group of people, open and welcoming and loving to the adoptee that includes both the natural and adoptive families.
My maternal nfamily, now that we've turned a corner, is proving itself pretty wonderful. At least as far as C, A, and T go. We're still in a space where we sometimes dance around each other, sizing each other up, making occasional attempts at sharing information that we keep close to our chests. Only time can make things more comfortable, I think.
I am not dissatisfied, exactly, but on the phone today T told me that the entire extended family is getting together to celebrate C's mother's (Mimi's) 90th birthday. I am, of course, not invited to this event for a plethora of reasons, the top two of which are Mimi's not knowing that I've "returned" and C's husband not being happy about me being in the picture. It's not a direct insult to be left out, and rationally I understand why I cannot be there. It's not about me, it's about Mimi. And yet it hurts. I am glad to know about the party, and I am certainly relieved that it's not been kept a secret from me.
It's a razor's edge, this negotiation within myself about what I feel. It requires careful balance and relying strongly knowing this is just the way it has to be, for now. The cries of the child who deserves to be known and the adult that knows it's a long road ahead to that goal. For now, the adult is winning.
It's sad that I probably will never meet or know Mimi. She was the one who was so adamant about my having to go, 42 years ago. It's sad that it will probably take her death, and J's, before I can be part of C's family in a more real way. I keep telling myself that what matters is that C is expressing interest in a relationship with me; that is definitely important on many levels. And yet it is more than a little knock to know that I will be the ghost at that party in June, even though I am no longer a secret among most people who will be there. It's sad that I cannot wish my grandmother "Happy Birthday" in person. Or by card. I just cannot entertain going head to head with Mimi, especially since C has asked me not to.
I wish I could be welcomed completely into the family I lost so long ago. Then again, they don't consider me family at all. Sigh.
6 comments:
So very sad and so very misguided.There's still time until June but hard set attitudes are hard to change as we find out daily.Big hug!
I think it is an absolute crime that you are not invited to the birthday party. It is your right to be there.
I would like to be there, oh, so much. I hope that I get to see pictures, at least, and I wonder if I will be the subject of covert conversation between A, C, and my uncle, aunt, and cousins.
I so hope you get to be there...so sorry you are having to go through this. The opposite happened to me. I was embraced by my birth grandparents upon reunion and was invited to all their family functions. Then after they died, the family came apart at the seams and they no longer have big family functions. I so miss them. Only a few of my birth family still keep in touch, but it just isn't the same. I know the pain of wanting to be a fully included member, and so hope you get that. Hugs.
Ugh ugh ugh. I am so sorry. I did invite my daughter's sisters (via bmom) to her 3rd birthday next week. Looks like even bmom won't come. So very sad for them all. For you all.
My Mom pushed adoption on me and it resulted in my daughter being adopted by a couple that my aunt knew. My family went on to never speak of my daughter again.
Just some insight from side of things as a birthmom. I have been in contact with my daughter for over a year and met her last October with my little sister and in January met my two sons. I haven't told my Mom that I am talking to my daughter or met her because I fear that my Mom would take my daughter away. I know this may sound silly but to me it's a real fear. Also, there is family that I have talked to about my daughter but I don't have any desire for them to meet her. It's not that I am ashamed of her or anything. It's more that I just don't want to share her with people who swept her name under the rug and refused to bring her up or walked over me if I tried to talk to her. So, it's just my way of controlling the situation that I couldn't control for many years. If my daughter really expressed a desire to meet my family I wouldn't keep her from doing that but I wouldn't like it. I haven't had a relationship with my Mom for many years. I only see her when I run into her because she refused to make any effort to talk to me. I think it's her guilt that keeps her from me.
I know this must be very hard for you. I wish there was an easy way to make everything more comfortable but it's just how badly adoption rips families apart. I am very fortune to learn that my daughter has had great parents and is a very happy go lucky kid. I am sorry for your pain.
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