Reunion, Part I

The day after I sent the message to my brother, A, on Facebook, I received an e-mail from his wife. 

Hi K,

You have sent a few emails to my husband A about possibly being his half-sister.  We have both spoken to C [my fmom] about this and she denies having another child.  Maybe she just doesn’t want to admit it or she is not your birth mother.  Either way, I would like to know a little more about you.  How did you find out about A?  Do you have a picture of yourself you could share with us?  I know you saw our family photo on facebook, does A look anything like you (he looks a lot like his father)?  A is really bothered by this whole thing and is not sure what to believe so I am trying to find some more information for him.  Thanks and I hope to hear from you soon.

T

Here are our subsequent exchanges:

Dear T,

First of all, many, many thanks for being willing to talk with me. I understand that this is all very strange to you and A, and must seem that it comes out of the blue. I deeply regret causing A and C any discomfort, but this is something terribly important to me. I have been been searching for my family for 12 years, and my adoptive parents are aware and supportive of my search.

I was adopted in Missouri through an agency. If an adoptee searches through formal channels in Missouri, a confidential intermediary system is used. I went through this system; the intermediary twice approached C: once in 2000 and once in 2008. Both times, she was willing to provide limited medical information but nothing else. I did find out that I had a brother, five years younger than I am. This summer with the help of other searchers, I was able to find a match between my information, which included my name "Baby Girl Newman," and the family of W.N. Newman. I am attaching copies of my non-identifying information for you to read; they include a sketch of a family tree because of the spherocytosis. As I mentioned in my first e-mail to A, I have hereditary spherocytosis, which is an added layer of concern (my elder son has it, too) but also of identification. I found out about A from W.N. Newman's obituary, which mentioned C.

I would say that I resemble A in some ways, although this clearly subjective. I am attaching pictures of me and my family so that you can make your own judgments. We have two young boys and very few pics of us as a family, I'm afraid. I've made my profile on Facebook public so you will have access to those pictures, too. I also found some photographs of W.N. Newman, taken in 1954, online at ancestry.com, and I think I look like him, as well.

I would guess that C is still suffering from the aftereffects of having a baby out of wedlock, which must have been incredibly traumatic. It is easier to forget and deny than live with some truths. I have a friend, another adoptee, also born in 1969, whose birthmother took three years to come to terms with my friend's request for contact. C may never agree to meet me, and I must accept this as a possible outcome. But I am hopeful that she will change her mind and that there are other relatives of mine who might be more open to knowing me. I would love to have contact with A, if and when he is able. Please do not hesitate to ask me for anything, more information, whatever is desired. I would of course agree to a DNA test, if that is something A wants.

Once again, T, I cannot thank you enough for taking the time to contact me. It means the world to me that you are willing to go out on a limb and talk to a stranger. I know this must be very difficult for you, as well.

I am available to talk by e-mail or phone, as you desire. 

With great respect,

K

Hi K,

I shared this information with A last night and he is struggling with what to do next. There are a few details listed in the report you sent that do not exactly match the family history as we know it. I think the best thing to do is give him some time to absorb all that he has learned and decide how to proceed. I do believe he will contact you at some point because he has a hard time letting things go unresolved. I also find myself in a difficult position Because I do not want to cause ripples in our family, but you seem like an honest person just trying to find answers so I will do what I can to help. If he decides not to contact you, I will let you know. 

Sincerely,

T

A few weeks later, It was a typical, chaotic Sunday evening in my home. My two sons were distracted from dinner by a thousand things, the dog was pacing around the table hoping for handouts, and I was anticipating the nearing hour of bedtime with unconcealed joy. The phone rang. I jumped up, saw an unfamiliar number, felt my heart catch, and whispered, "Hello?"

The honeyed Southern drawl at the other end said "Hello" back. Then, "Is this K? Have I caught you at a bad time?" I knew immediately it was my brother, and my mind began to spin. I signaled to my husband to take over the circus at the table, reassured my brother that it wasn't a bad time, and escaped to a quiet corner. I was hoping that this call signaled his willingness to get to know me. 

We stumbled through niceties and coincidences. He is a physician, I am a nurse; we both have additional advanced degrees; we both are supernerds. It turned out that one of my closest friends from St. Louis was the sister of one of A's college friends in Mississippi. A told me that he thought that the dark, complicated story involving my birth would make a good novel. I felt frightened and hopeful and ecstatic, all at once. I couldn't be sure this was real. I wanted to know everything about him, and ask every question possible, in five minutes. My voice quavered and revealed my nervousness. I admired A for the courage it took to reach out to this sister-stranger, and for his apparent calm. 

My brother brought the conversation back to the reason for his call: "I have to talk to my mom about this. I have to make sense of it. I want to talk to her in person. I am going to be visiting her in a few weeks. I'll let you know what I think after I get back." We said goodbye.

I was more excited than I think I've ever been, but it was back to waiting. Waiting. Waiting. It could be weeks. The answer might be no. I was too afraid to think of it.