Risks and Masks

It's November. Of course I am feeling empty, a shell of something that used to be human.

Why is it, though, that each year I come back to this month with a little less? That instead of being more resilient, I am more angry, more suspicious, more disappointed.

Possibility #1:

People lie to me about very important things. Over and over.

Why do people lie to me, set me up? People who supposedly love me? I don't think many people have integrity, I truly do not.

When I was younger, I used to believe that I had "sucker" tattoed in invisible ink on my forehead. I don't, I know. But seriously. WTF? Do you think I don't see what you're doing?

I found out that you lied. Not that you apparently care, but who are you? You should worry about your immortal souls, since you claim to believe in such things.

Possibility #2:

Other people want me to be perfect. I am not.

Why am I not lovable even when I ask for things that might be for me and not for them, just once? It's conditional, always conditional. Don't play games.

I was not a Cabbage Patch doll. I tried to do everything as well as I could. I got the best grades I could. I almost never got into trouble. I was the kid no one complained about.

Well, now I am doing things my way. Sorry. If your friends don't like it, fuck them. It's not about appearances, it's about trying to find happiness and some semblance of peace.

Possibility #3:

The surgeon told me that I could die next week. Not just as, "There's a small risk." No. As in, "There's a significant risk, and I am worried."

I couldn't just have surgery. No. It's not routine, it's never routine.

And because I didn't have my full medical history, everything was fucked up on August 10, 2008.

I will not stop speaking out about how secrets and lies kill adoptees.

I will stop protecting people, mighty soon. It's way past time to tell the truth.

Don't promise things you never intend to deliver. Don't say things you don't mean. Don't hide under rocks to make life easier for yourself. Most important, don't lie.

End of sermon.