I am excited about the upcoming Adoptee Rights protest in San Antonio, even though I am not going. I am sad that I will miss the excitement of being "normal" among my friends; not having to explain anything as we sit and talk over coffee and drinks and meals. As we cry and tell our stories and nod and know that we are not alone. My experience in Louisville last summer, especially as it was tied to my visit to my family's graves in Indiana, was both exquisitely painful and cathartic. I remember sitting in a bar and nursing drinks while tears ran silently down my face, wondering "Why, why, why?" I still don't know why. I will never know why, but I have slowly come to peace with some of the worst parts of it, and of course, I am on speaking terms with my mother and brother, which takes some of the sting out of it. At least I am a PERSON, not a ghost.
There is still so much to be done in terms of advocacy and activism. So many states, so little openness.
And then a few nights ago I nearly lost my mind when I read the results of the legislative session in Missouri that pretty much change nothing and get me no closer to my OBC. The people on the ground there encourage us to take the long view. It takes time to chip away at convention, they say. But it appears they are not vehement opponents of the CI system, as I believe they should be. NO ONE needs a third-party to conduct private business between adults. Moreover, adoptees are being used to fundraise pay for the changes. We have to fork out extraordinary amounts of money, $500 and up, to get our identifying information, provided that our "biological" families approve, or that we can prove that they are deceased. Oh, and if my brother had found out about me, and wanted to get identifying information about me, he couldn't under the law. It's only the parents and adoptees than can. It's so Byzantine and patriarchal and disgusting.
As far as the OBCs go, I would still need to petition the court with good reason, and have the permission of my mother. I don't think I'd need my father's permission, as he is not named on my OBC. It pisses me off that I need ANYONE's permission to get an official document as an adult. My children won't need my permission when they are adults. Sigh. As Joy said, if I had just been born a bastard, I could have my OBC. It was the ACT of my legitimization that made me a second-class citizen. I had more rights as a bastard than I do now.
The only good thing to come out of this law, as far as I can tell, is that adoptees don't have to get the notarized permission of their APs for non-identifying information or identifying information anymore.
So on the one hand, I feel like a total bitch, because what did I do? I didn't draft the law. I didn't do anything in terms of grassroots work except write to legislators back in the spring and complain about the law because I found it grossly unfair and Byzantine and patronizing.
Are "baby steps" towards good legislation better than nothing? Or have we now enshrined more bad precedents? I am curious to hear what you all think, if you have opinions.
Here is a link to the Missouri Adoptee Rights Movement Web site.
Please don't take my bitter words for anything, and if you can find a silver lining in all this muck, I would be all too happy to hear about it. I know it will supposedly be "better" for adoptees born after 2010, but seriously? How much better, and why give us older adoptees such a big middle finger?
My APs and I are a good match, and that had to happen in St. Louis. Other than that, I am horrified that I was born in Missouri. The conservative values enshrined in adoption laws there are so opposed to my own ideas of equality.
5 comments:
I still think you should go to San Antonio! <3
And first, I must say that I have not been following the legislation in Missouri so I can't comment directly on that.
However, in-general, I am not in favor of baby steps in this type of legislation.
Generally speaking, states closed their records to hide illegitimacy and to provide anonymity to the adoptive family and adoptee. There's nothing in the law or the logical process of how records are sealed that make anonymity a promise for surrendering parents.
However, if we open records conditionally based on the idea of surrendering parent anonymity, now we have put anonymity for surrendering parents in the law (whether it's logical, feasible, or reasonable or not). When activists go back to ask for more openness, the entire time the compromise law had been in effect--they could not argue that no promise of anonymity had been made because now it had. The fear is, that the rights of those adoptees in that period of time that the compromise law would be in effect would be lost forever.
And I'm just not a fan of anything that doesn't treat adoptees equally. Being equal is my goal. I also don't want to speak for other adoptees whose rights would be ignored by a particular piece of legislation. I know what it's like to be in one of "those categories" because of my conception circumstances--everyone always wants to leave us behind (and in my birth state, their are different rules for me because of my conception circumstances than there are for other adoptees--that doesn't feel good).
However, in states that already have screwed up bills that passed that enforce the idea of surrendering parent anonymity a compromise bill may be the only improvement there is to be made :-(
Thanks for your point of view, Amanda. I suppose the existing law that provides for protection of the "biological" parents is sad enough, and that the infantilization of adoptees that requires notarized affidavits of permission from APs before allowing agencies to dispense non-identifying information or identifying information is even sadder. I am angry that the CI system, with no oversight over the CIs, is codified into law, because the CI whom I paid an extortionate amount of money abused me and lied to me. I do not know how she treated C. I should ask her. There should be a grievance system set up. I don't believe that adoptees should have to pay amounts over $500 and then be told that there's nothing to be told. And not even know if the CI is lying. It's horrific.
I believe that I *should* be able to petition to get my OBC, just like any other citizen, at the Vital Records Office, not have to argue with a Judge that there are extenuating circumstances and get a written note from my mother. Sigh.
I'm horrified, as always by what you all go through, what you don't have and they charge you??????
Any good reason not to go to San Antonio?
Von, my reasons for not going to San Antonio are financial and stress related. I need to take care of myself, and I think I can best do that by not going this year.
As for Missouri and milking adoptees, it's sickening. I personally paid over $1,000 and had the CI assigned to my case lie to me, whether through laziness or carelessness. There should have been means for me to request another CI or have her audited. She was downright rude and unprofessional. And that's above and beyond my belief that adults DO NOT need third-party involvement. It's a racket.
Here are two quotes I found related to adoptees being cash cows for the system, as if adoptees are all wealthy, or that we should be used as banks (or that we are not ALREADY being used as financial sources, showing that lawmakers don't understand the system as it is):
"Allow biological parent(s) and adoptees the 'option' of adding a "preference" form to the adoption file that indicates their wishes for "contact", "no contact", or "contact through an intermediary of their own choice". (cost for these optional forms to be funded by purchase of copies of original birth certificates by adoptees and/or their descendants)" [Sigh. I have to pay for preference forms for people to deny contact! IF I were allowed to even access and pay my OBC, that is.]
AND
"[Senator Rita Days] said it can cost up to $500 to have a private child placement agency do the search, and it is less expensive for the state to charge adoptees for making the inquiries." THE ADOPTEE PAYS EITHER WAY. I might add that $500 is on the low end. It usually STARTS at $500 with the CI tacking on extra charges as s/he goes on. Sucks.
What if a person doesn't even WANT to do a search for her first parents, and just wants her OBC? That's not an option, because she MUST have the third party locate her parents to get permission to have her OBC. It's downright bullshit.
I'm so sad you are not going to San Antonio, I will totally miss you. xoxoxo
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