Adjustments

This has been a week of adjustments.

I went back to work on Wednesday for the first time since my pneumonia and pulmonary emboli. I was excited and nervous, of course: what had I forgotten anew?

My colleagues were wonderfully kind, and I had a great shift. Annie, one of the senior RNs, was my guardian angel and helped me stay on track with my admission and then helped me get my second patient settled. I felt pretty good about all of it.

I picked up my second patient around 7:30, just over halfway through my shift. She was pretty sick and needed a blood transfusion because her hemoglobin was very, very low. Her story was extremely complicated. She was pregnant for the sixth time, but had gone to the ER that afternoon because she had had unprotected sex the day before; she didn't know that she was already 30 weeks into a pregnancy. She had a history of cocaine use but had been clean for eight years; she had, however, fallen off the wagon three days previously. Her main complaint was tremendous vaginal discomfort and pelvic pressure. It turned out that she had three sexually transmitted infections and a urinary tract infection. Although she felt awful because of her severe anemia, she was more bothered by the fire below. The ER had started her on a bunch of meds for the infections, and I gave her a few more to help. She was so worried that I would judge her, but I reassured her that I wasn't there to judge, but to help.

The show stopper was that once she found out she was pregnant, she said she planned to walk away and leave the baby in the hospital when he or she was born. Triggering for me, to say the least. I sat down with her and talked about adoption and what it has meant for me. I didn't try to dissuade her from it; it sounds like adoption is the best option for her. She has no family around, and her surviving four children take all of her resources. I wish things were different for her, but they're not. A social worker would come by the next day to talk about adoption and other things, and I encouraged her to think about an open adoption so that her child wouldn't feel cut off from his or her roots. She won't be delivering (hopefully) for another seven to ten weeks, so she has time to mull over her choices. She and I cried together. Working with her was a difficult but positive experience for me. I usually avoid the adoption cases like the plague because it's just too emotionally excruciating for me to process while remaining professional.

Then yesterday I went to see The Adjustment Bureau, a new science fiction film based on a short story by Philip K. Dick. In sum, it tells the story of a young man who meets an amazing woman--once--and it's only meant to be once. There are higher powers keeping people and their destinies on track. The main character (John Norris) meets his love again, and all hell breaks loose; he finds out that free will is very limited.

When John gets to work unexpectedly early one day, he sees the Adjustment Bureau workers changing the thoughts in a coworker's mind--all the people are frozen. He is understandably shaken and runs away. Eventually he is caught and taken to a room while the powers-that-be discuss what to do with him. They say things like, "He will be haunted by questions for the rest of his life," and "He was never meant to see behind the curtain." Sound familiar? John has strong feelings for the woman he is supposed to stay away from (Elise), and he asks, "If I am not supposed to be with her, why do I have these feelings?" Hmmmm. Later on, when John refuses to give Elise up, he is told that if he doesn't leave her and break her heart, her life will never be what it could have been; he will have ruined her chances for professional success forever. That if he really loves her, he must let go. Yep.

The men from the Adjustment Bureau carry books that show the potential life paths of each person, and it is the job of some of the men to keep the people they're watching on track. It is important not to deviate from the script. Again, very much like adoption! Adoptees are given new lives and aren't supposed to question them, think about what might have been, or look for our natural families--think of all the people we will hurt if we do so!

The other strange thing was that Adjustment Bureau workers could appear dressed as normal humans and throw spanners in the works: tie up traffic, keep someone talking, interrupt phone calls, or say things to nudge a person back on the path their lives were meant to follow. It reminded me of the "happy" and "joyful" adoptees and Bee Mommies who cannot accept that their experiences are their own; they must belittle and attack and derail the ideas and thoughts of others who have different, less comfortable experiences. Don't question, don't think, just praise! Be grateful for the opportunities! Love the people who raised you, and only them! Ugh.

Some adoptee friends of mine have said that they will not watch the film because it suggests that there is no escaping the Fates. I don't think it was quite as grim as all that, and the end (which is most certainly not the end of Dick's story) rewards the protagonist's questioning of the life mapped out for him. He would rather choose potential madness than giving up on who he knows he his and what he wants: this is something I have done. There were moments in which I felt rage and great sorrow as I watched, but it was helpful, in many ways, to see my story mirrored in the plot of the film. It might make a good talking point with people who haven't thought too much about what it means to be born, adopted, sealed, and denied.

I had an interesting chat with C on Wednesday. She was busy, but I had told her I'd call and let her know how the visit went. She told me that she wouldn't hear anything of it from A because her husband doesn't want them talking about me. It broke my heart to hear that, even though I understand the position that they are both in. I will work with what I have, but I wish so much that this contingency weren't there. She has three trips planned in the near future: one to visit her mother in Indiana, one to visit A, T and W in San Diego, and then a trip to Paris in mid-April. I told her I was very jealous of the Paris trip, and asked her if she enjoyed museums. She said that she does but her husband does not, so she doesn't get to go all that often. Apparently he despises the "fat, nude women" in paintings in the Louvre. I told her that it's easy to steer away from the Renaissance and Baroque galleries to avoid Titian, Rubens, etc. We laughed. It made me hope that one day C and I could be in Paris together. Not likely, but maybe. I don't know when I will speak to her next, and that makes me sad. 

All my friends remind me that C could turn on a dime and change her mind about me. I know that and protect myself, while loving her all the same. It is too tiring to live with the burdens of suspicion and fear at the front of my mind. It's just not who I am.