Letter to Nancy Verrier

Write a letter to a hero who has let you down.


Dear Nancy,

I have read The Primal Wound several times and agree with many of your conclusions--at least as they apply to my own feelings and adoption. That said, I left our meeting feeling confused and upset. I had hoped that we would spend our time together getting to know the particulars of my life so that we could build on that knowledge and try to help me develop better coping mechanisms. Instead, our conversation seemed awkward, disjointed, and based on following the script of your book.

Upon reflection, I realized that whenever I said something about myself, you related it to your daughter, whose own experience is almost diametrically opposed to mine. For example, when I said that I am the "quiet, complacent" type of adoptee, you said "That's too bad," and that your daughter was not, and had never been. I am glad for her, but that information is not immediately relevant to me. You also said that seeing your daughter with her first mother was eye-opening to you because of things you saw that connected them. I have felt a similar, odd sense of familiarity when meeting my half-brother, but you didn't ask about my own meeting, merely elaborated on your daughter's experience. I was truly bewildered, moreover, when you warned me not to sabotage my relationship with my brother. That's why I asked, "How would I do that?" My relationship problems come not with pushing away, but with not letting go. I wouldn't reject my brother, EVER--and believe me, I have been tested on this; rather, I might call him too often or be too needy. But actually, I feel pretty secure with him right now. Nor did I ask my first mother "permission" to contact him, as you said I should have. If I had, I would have lost him: if she had told him first about me, he said that he would have respected her wishes to keep me an alienated secret. I am glad that I chose not to be complacent and agreeable at that particular moment, and not to suppress my needs to put hers first. Especially when she couldn't respond to letters, phone calls, or anything communication from me for 10 years.

In sum, I felt as though instead of setting the foundations of a therapeutic relationship, your assessment of my situation directly ignored the very core of *my* concerns and immediate needs. My most painful emotional trigger is being unheard and dismissed, and sadly, that's how I felt in our session together. Not all adoptees are the same, and while I might wish to have been more outspoken and devil-may-care throughout my life, that's just not who I am. 


Sincerely,
Kara